Well here we are coming up on the end of 2017. It seems like time just flies by. This year has been good though for the most part. For the first time in my life my weight has maintained steady and I can wear the same clothes that I was wearing last year without out growing them. My weight loss is still a daily choice that I have to make and I suspect it will probably be like that forever. Every day I have to make the choice to log in my food into my tracker app (I have over 800 consecutive days at this point) and to choose to limit carb intake and to exercise. If I don't make those choices it would be easy to start to regain weight and I don't want to let that happen.
2018 is around the corner and I am hopeful the new year will bring good things. I am hopeful for some advancement in my career and would like to think about the possibility of dating. I feel like a different person in so many ways from who I was a few years ago. I am a bit more outgoing and I have been reaching out more and trying to make more friends. While I still have areas that I want to improve I feel that I have gained a lot more confidence then I've ever had before. I am not as afraid to let loose a bit and be silly at times. I am slowly discovering that I am a good person that is worthy of love and respect and that I am worth the effort of maintaining health and wellbeing.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Two Years
The last two years have had their ups and downs, good days and bad but in the end I wouldn't change what I did. I have been able to go from watching life on the sidelines to actively taking part in life with my kids. I have been able to do things that I never thought I would be able to do again like when I went roller skating for the first time in 20 years. I still have a few things that I struggle with. I still have days where I want to eat junk and so I let myself have a little bit of something here or there. For me I cannot live a life of total depravation or else it will catch up with me and I will lose control. I have to live where I am good 95% of the time and have a treat once in a while. The thing is though I have learned how to be ok with an occasional treat and let that be enough instead of eating till I feel sick just because something tastes good or sounds good to me. My biggest struggle is still with how I see myself. As I have mentioned before when I look at pictures I can see the difference in me but when I look down at myself I see the saggy skin that still looks like rolls of fat to me. When I see that I still feel like I did at 300+ pounds even though part of my brain knows better.
None the less, this last two years has flown by and I will be forever grateful that God allowed me to be able to have this surgery to help me get myself in check. The health benefits that I have experienced far outweigh the fear I had going into surgery and the bit of pain through recovery. Without a doubt this was the best decision I have ever made for myself.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
A Great Day
When I was a teenager even though I was very heavy there were still things I loved to do like bike riding and roller skating. Roller skating epically was a favorite activity of mine and I would skate outside through the neighborhood as well as go to the skating rink with friends quite often. I was the kid who could skate forward and backward and do some small tricks. When I turned 18 I moved from my home in Michigan to the south by myself and so I had to go to work and I got very involved in church work down here and didn't have time to go skating anymore. Not long after I moved I ended up married and had children and started gaining major weight. As my weight got up into the three hundreds I never even thought anymore about going skating or doing anything sporty like that because I knew that physically I couldn't handle it. I also felt embarrassed to even think about trying to do anything like that and honestly scared that if I tried and fell that I would seriously hurt myself.
This past weekend was the day to finally let go of that fear. I took my son and nephews and headed off to the skating rink for the first time in about 20 years! Going in I was so scared that I was literally shaking so hard that it took a minute to get everyone's skates laced up. Everyone was ready to skate and as I stood up on my skates all I could do was pray that I didn't fall or get hurt. But then as I stepped into the rink it all came back to me. I was out there skating away and I let go of all those fears and worries and just truly enjoyed myself. I felt like a kid again as I flew round the rink. We skated for almost two hours and I truly feel as though I could have stayed another two hours. By the time we were done I was a little sore from using different muscles that I have not used in a long time but the feeling of freedom that I now have in my life is amazing to me. All the little things that I took for granted for so long when I was younger I now have back and can experience again. Just that appreciation for the little things like getting to go skating with my kids is a gift in itself. I am eternally grateful for getting to live life more fully once again.
This past weekend was the day to finally let go of that fear. I took my son and nephews and headed off to the skating rink for the first time in about 20 years! Going in I was so scared that I was literally shaking so hard that it took a minute to get everyone's skates laced up. Everyone was ready to skate and as I stood up on my skates all I could do was pray that I didn't fall or get hurt. But then as I stepped into the rink it all came back to me. I was out there skating away and I let go of all those fears and worries and just truly enjoyed myself. I felt like a kid again as I flew round the rink. We skated for almost two hours and I truly feel as though I could have stayed another two hours. By the time we were done I was a little sore from using different muscles that I have not used in a long time but the feeling of freedom that I now have in my life is amazing to me. All the little things that I took for granted for so long when I was younger I now have back and can experience again. Just that appreciation for the little things like getting to go skating with my kids is a gift in itself. I am eternally grateful for getting to live life more fully once again.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
600 days
So today marks 600 days in a row that I have logged every bite that goes into my mouth on my fitness tracker app. I am not totally sure as to why but this has felt like such a milestone for me to hit 600 days in a row. I am sure that there are many people out there who have logged for years and years without missing a day and so they have numbers in the thousands but to me this 600 mark is a big deal. I think that part of it is because I have never committed to keeping on track and losing weight like I have this time.
Of course the surgery is a huge factor in that but despite the surgery this process still takes a lot of commitment. They say a lot in the online forums that when they do surgery it is on your stomach and not your head. This statement seems like silly common sense when you look at the literal side of it but after having the surgery this statement takes on real meaning. You come to realize that the surgery, while it helps so very much, only does limit the volume you can eat at one time not what you eat or how often you eat junk. For many people, like myself, after a while the hunger comes back and even though you are not physically able to eat as much at one time you still have to learn to get yourself in control so that you don't graze all day long. There are so many people out there who have had the various weight loss procedures and they end up gaining all the weight back and then some because they lose the battle with their mind. They let the mind games win because they have lost so much weight in the beginning that they think they will never gain the weight back but then a year down the road and they are back to where they started because they justify eating candy or chips or whatever their vice is here and there all day long and so while they may not be eating a whole bag of chips in one setting they are still eating that whole bag of chips over a few hours. It is easy to justify a little here or there and then fall into that pit of eating junk all the time.
That is what is scary to me. The idea of the possibility of falling back into that cycle of eating junk then justifying it then living with the guilt of it then falling back into those old patterns more and more and gaining back a lot of weight. This is why I feel that my 600 day mark on my fitness tracker is such a huge deal to me. My sister made a statement to me in our conversation the other day about how she knows that I religiously track every bite that goes into my mouth and she was saying how that is something to be proud of. I have to agree because with tracking literally everything that goes into my mouth I am holding myself accountable so that I can identify if I start to fall back into old habits and I can see trends of how what I eat impacts my weight. I am not perfect and I have treats here and there but I strive to eat right at least 90% of the time, but the point is that even when I have that treat I log it in and make myself acknowledge it. When dealing with food addiction it truly can be a life long battle but it is a battle I intend on being victorious through.
Of course the surgery is a huge factor in that but despite the surgery this process still takes a lot of commitment. They say a lot in the online forums that when they do surgery it is on your stomach and not your head. This statement seems like silly common sense when you look at the literal side of it but after having the surgery this statement takes on real meaning. You come to realize that the surgery, while it helps so very much, only does limit the volume you can eat at one time not what you eat or how often you eat junk. For many people, like myself, after a while the hunger comes back and even though you are not physically able to eat as much at one time you still have to learn to get yourself in control so that you don't graze all day long. There are so many people out there who have had the various weight loss procedures and they end up gaining all the weight back and then some because they lose the battle with their mind. They let the mind games win because they have lost so much weight in the beginning that they think they will never gain the weight back but then a year down the road and they are back to where they started because they justify eating candy or chips or whatever their vice is here and there all day long and so while they may not be eating a whole bag of chips in one setting they are still eating that whole bag of chips over a few hours. It is easy to justify a little here or there and then fall into that pit of eating junk all the time.
That is what is scary to me. The idea of the possibility of falling back into that cycle of eating junk then justifying it then living with the guilt of it then falling back into those old patterns more and more and gaining back a lot of weight. This is why I feel that my 600 day mark on my fitness tracker is such a huge deal to me. My sister made a statement to me in our conversation the other day about how she knows that I religiously track every bite that goes into my mouth and she was saying how that is something to be proud of. I have to agree because with tracking literally everything that goes into my mouth I am holding myself accountable so that I can identify if I start to fall back into old habits and I can see trends of how what I eat impacts my weight. I am not perfect and I have treats here and there but I strive to eat right at least 90% of the time, but the point is that even when I have that treat I log it in and make myself acknowledge it. When dealing with food addiction it truly can be a life long battle but it is a battle I intend on being victorious through.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Mowing the yard
Ok so this is a blog about my weight loss so what in the world am I naming a post "Mowing the yard" for? Now that spring is upon us again it was time for me to put on my big girl pants and work out taking care of my yard myself. I know if I asked either my brother in law or my neighbor I am sure they would take care of the yard for me again but it was time to figure it out myself. I have a push mower in my shed so today was the day to pull it out and get to work. I have honestly been dreading this. The last time I have even tried to mow was when I first bought my house like 9 years ago. At that time I had bought a plug in electric mower and I mowed half the yard and gave up and hired someone to cut it. So today as I pulled out the gas push mower and started it up.
As I worked my way back and forth through the yard I soon realized that I could do this. I realized that physically I now had the strength and endurance to mow the yard and not feel like I was dying and not feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Now my lines in the grass may not be perfect or straight even and it may not have been the best job in the world but I did it. I mowed the entire yard without stopping and without even being in pain from my back or knees. I will say I'm not looking forward to mowing when the heat of the summer kicks in but I know that I will be able to handle it and get it done. This is not something I could have even done 216 pounds ago. I may not be thrilled to mow my yard but I'm so thankful to have a yard to mow and the ability to mow it.
Sunday, March 26, 2017
Vacation Victory
This trip was the first time in my life I have ever gone as an "average" size person. Due to not carrying around all the extra weight I had a ton more energy. We walked and walked and walked all day every day. Everywhere in the mountains also has tons of stairs and I had no problems keeping up with the physical demands of the trip. There were some days that my tracker counted between 11 & 15 flights of stairs! It was amazing when my two teenage kids were wore out and I was still ready to keep going. This, I believe, has been one of the very best non-scale victories yet. I look forward to having many more adventures that I am able to fully enjoy.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Just Life
Well, I haven't posted in a bit, guess I haven't had a whole lot to say lately. Life has just kind of become the monotony of the everyday lately. Weight wise things are alright. I still have this last 10-15 pounds that I want to lose but they seem to want to hang on for dear life. I have always heard the last few pounds are the hardest to lose and that is holding true for me. I won't give up though because I want to reach my goals.
As time goes on I have found that there are some cravings that have been trying to kick back in. I have never really been much of a stress eater over the years but the last few months have been somewhat of a struggle to not fall into that category. I have been dealing with some behavior issues with one of my children and other stresses with my grown child that would all make it very easy to seek out comfort in carbs and chocolate and all those oh so good tasting bad for you foods. That is why they are called comfort foods after all. However, I have been trying very hard to keep myself focused on the positives in my life because honestly there are many, many things to be so very grateful for. Some things at work came across my desk in the last few weeks that really made me see that even with all I have had to deal with things could always be so much harder. I have to remind myself that the attitude that we face each day with is a choice that we have to consciously make each and every day.
As time goes on I have found that there are some cravings that have been trying to kick back in. I have never really been much of a stress eater over the years but the last few months have been somewhat of a struggle to not fall into that category. I have been dealing with some behavior issues with one of my children and other stresses with my grown child that would all make it very easy to seek out comfort in carbs and chocolate and all those oh so good tasting bad for you foods. That is why they are called comfort foods after all. However, I have been trying very hard to keep myself focused on the positives in my life because honestly there are many, many things to be so very grateful for. Some things at work came across my desk in the last few weeks that really made me see that even with all I have had to deal with things could always be so much harder. I have to remind myself that the attitude that we face each day with is a choice that we have to consciously make each and every day.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Have I lost enough?
So today was my 15 month check up with the surgeons office. I actually hit the 15 month mark a few weeks ago but this was when it worked out for me to go due to some things at work. Anyway the whole point of me going today was because my doctor wanted to check in with me to make sure that things were going ok and that I was doing well still. See, last time I was there 3 months ago I was fighting off depression. Through Christmas and New Year's I let myself slide just a bit because through the holidays my goal was to maintain as oppose to continue losing this year.
Today's visit started off like every other visit where the tech takes you back and does all the normal vital checks and takes my weight and all of that fun stuff. Which I was very happy to say that I have lost 17 pounds since I was there last time. Then I go back to the room for the check in with the Doctor. This lady is really wonderful and caring with me. When I see her it is more like a visit with a friend and I almost feel like I should hug her when its time to leave. So we go over my numbers and I am pleased to say that she feels like I am at goal weight and should be done losing weight. I told her that I would like to lose about 10 or maybe 15 more pounds and she said it would be ok for me to do so but to just be cautious if I do so that I don't look too thin. I am proud to say that I am officially in all the normal ranges for weight, blood pressure and body fat percentages for my height and age. At my last visit my body fat percentage was right there at the highest tip end of the normal but that has dropped a few points now and so I am really "in" the normal range now. This is truly exciting to me. We talked about some options for the loose skin and I hope to be able to take care of that some day. She thinks I have about 10 pounds of extra skin at the moment. I don't know what I will do with myself when I finish losing. LOL, that is a problem I have never in my life thought I would face but it is one that I welcome.
Today's visit started off like every other visit where the tech takes you back and does all the normal vital checks and takes my weight and all of that fun stuff. Which I was very happy to say that I have lost 17 pounds since I was there last time. Then I go back to the room for the check in with the Doctor. This lady is really wonderful and caring with me. When I see her it is more like a visit with a friend and I almost feel like I should hug her when its time to leave. So we go over my numbers and I am pleased to say that she feels like I am at goal weight and should be done losing weight. I told her that I would like to lose about 10 or maybe 15 more pounds and she said it would be ok for me to do so but to just be cautious if I do so that I don't look too thin. I am proud to say that I am officially in all the normal ranges for weight, blood pressure and body fat percentages for my height and age. At my last visit my body fat percentage was right there at the highest tip end of the normal but that has dropped a few points now and so I am really "in" the normal range now. This is truly exciting to me. We talked about some options for the loose skin and I hope to be able to take care of that some day. She thinks I have about 10 pounds of extra skin at the moment. I don't know what I will do with myself when I finish losing. LOL, that is a problem I have never in my life thought I would face but it is one that I welcome.
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