Weight loss, COVID, and a Stall....Oh My!

     Haven’t posted since December, I don’t really know that anyone even ever reads this blog.  I guess it is just for me more than anything anyway.  It was one way that I was trying to keep myself accountable when I started all of this 5&1/2 years ago.  

    So for the good I hit 25 pounds lost from where I had gotten back up to an embarrassing 205 pounds.  Being 205 in and of itself is not a horrible thing considering where I started out at.  For me though I was one that said I would not have any regain and I would never let it start to spiral and get out of control.  But that sadly was exactly what I ended up doing.  So, I have gotten back down to 180.  I still need to get back down to 160 so I have a bit to go still.  I need to make sure that I don’t forget how hard this has been.  I need to remember how I have felt about myself for the regain that occurred.  

    For the not so good, I ended up with COVID in January.  Not only did I have it but so did my husband.  We thankfully were not super bad with the flu like parts of it.  For my husband he was no worse than a bad head cold. For me it was more like a bad sinus infection.  But with me I ended up with the severe fatigue.  There was one day that I had ran the dishwasher then put clean sheets on the bed and it made me so tired that all I could do was lay across the bed for a bit after the sheets where on.  The COVID sinus infection feeling only lasted for a few days.  However the fatigue has carried on and on.  We are now at the end of February and I still feel like I need a nap in the afternoon just to get by some days.  It has improved a bit but still not where I should be.

    The stall.  I don’t know if it was a result of the COVID fatigue or what but I hit a stall.  A stall that don’t want to end.  I believe that part of it may be due to the fatigue and it was making me where I just didn’t have the energy to exercise.  Part of it too may be that I did eat some comfort foods while I was sick because I just didn’t have the energy to really put in the effort to cook much. I am trying to stay on track now and I have been hitting the treadmill again.  I have found online virtual races and I am thinking that I may do some of those to help keep me motivated.

Little Victories

    Well so I have been on this medicine for a few weeks now and it has helped me regain control.  I don’t feel like this hunger that I get is overwhelming anymore and I can keep a grip on my cravings and all.  I have lost 17 pounds and am starting to notice the difference in my clothes again.  I have missed seeing the scale go down, it was devastating to see it go up and up and up the last year.  I have come to realize that when I was in the losing phase it was almost addictive to see that number get lower and lower.  I am thrilled that I have started to lose again and I still have a good ways to go before I get back to where I want to be.  I am trying hard to re-find some balance in all of this.  To know that it is ok if I have a small treat here or there but that it don’t need to lead me back into eating junk every single day.  It don’t need to lead me back to a place of emotional eating when I am stressed out over the chaos that seems to surround my life at every turn these days.  I know that 2020 has been hard for everyone with this crazy pandemic that has swept the world.  But within my close friends and family I don’t know of one household that has not been hit with several additional major life altering stressors that have happened.  From death’s to sickness (besides COVID), to devastating emotional issues....it just goes on and on.

    I took the advise of the several doctors and all that I work with and started to see a counselor/therapist to talk through some things.  I guess you know it is pretty bad when you talk to the therapist about it all and her only response is to say, “Hearing all that makes me tired, I don’t know what advise I can give to you”.  What are you suppose to do with that when the professional doesn’t even know what to say about all the issues you have to work on and take care of?  I reckon I will do what I have always done and just keep hanging on and doing what I have to do to take care of my family.

    I know I put the title of Little Victories on this post and that last paragraph don’t seem too victorious.  So here they are, the fact that I am finding a way to lose this regained weight is one, that my clothes are fitting better is two, and a big one is the fact that I am able to cope with all this garbage that life has thrown my way and still somehow manage to keep moving forward.  

5 years

 Time seems to go so very fast.  It has already been a bit more than 5 years now since my surgery.  A lot, and boy do I mean a lot has happened in these 5 years.  Major changes within the family, marriage, cancer with my husband, the loss of a family member, various sicknesses, my mother becoming bed ridden, just so many things.  I feel like I have lived a lifetime in just a few short years.  But through it all even though there were a lot of changes and stressful situations there have been many, many good times as well.  Many times filled with love and laughter and peace and just goodness.  

As far as my surgery and weight loss goes I went for my 5 year check up in the end of September.  My weight was still up a bit and when I expressed my concern the surgeons office suggested a few things.  First she wanted me to go to my PCP and get my thyroid checked out to make sure there was no issue there.  Secondly she wanted me to talk to the medical weight loss side.  Third of all she suggested again that perhaps I see a therapist to help talk about all the things that have happened over the last few years.  I went to my PCP and the thyroid tests were ran and that was all normal which is a good thing.  So next I set up and went to the Medical weight loss doctor.  She was very kind and gave me hope.  See, over the last several months I have been exercising and doing what I can to control my eating but I have had this at times overwhelming hunger hit me that almost feels like more than I can control and it has been hard.  She asked me about that and she reassured me that basically it is not my fault.  There has been lots more research going on and they are learning more and more that genetics plays a large roll in weight control issues.  Due to my family history of major obesity she said that my genetics play a large part of that almost uncontrollable urge to eat and that my body is starting to fight because it remembers being heavy my whole life and so it is trying to fight against the weight loss.  She gave me a medicine to try that helps to get that hunger under control and calm the cravings.  I have only been on it a week but I have lost 5 pounds so far.  I am so hopeful that this is going to help me get these few pounds back off and get back to my goal weight.  I have also made an appointment with the therapist that works with the weight loss program and so I know that piece of the puzzle is going to only help me that much more to get the emotional side of things worked out.  I am thankful and hopeful tonight.

People often ask that if after these 5 years if I still am glad I did the surgery and I can say without any doubt that it is still the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Waiting for the woosh.....

So as mentioned last time I have had a little regain. I am not happy about it at all.  This week I have been working really hard and have cut a ton of carbs and sugar and been riding my bike a lot.  My husband has been working to drop a few pounds too.  This week while I have worked hard I have lost 2 pounds while he has lost like 10 (don’t get me wrong, he has worked too) but still!!! In the weight loss forums they always talk about how with many people they will work on losing and have little to no weight loss then it hits in a sudden woosh and drop several pounds in a week.   So here I sit mad with myself for not loosing more and waiting and hoping and praying for the woosh to come. 😒

Reality check

I realized today that it has been over two years since I have done a post. The last post I made was after I got my mom moved in with me and I had just become her caregiver.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  In the last two years I have gotten married to a wonderful man and my grown daughter moved in with my mom to help take care of her. We have lived a lot of life in the time we have been married. We have gone through him having cancer, thank GOD it was resolved with surgery and he is good and healthy now.  We have gone through the loss of family members, and many other things.  Through all we have gone through I have fallen back into a roll of putting myself last and not making my weight loss as much of a priority as it needs to be.  During the several stays at the hospital I lived on crackers and brownies.  Through the loss of a family member I found myself turning to food. I have gained weight.  More than I want to admit.  I have been fooling myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad but it is.  It is a very slippery slope falling back into weight gain and binge eating and eating when faced with emotional issues.

I went back today and reread through all my previous posts.  The posts from when I started this weight loss path.  The posts where I was so excited to see the weight falling off.  Now I feel daily like a failure.  I haven’t regained all my weight or even close to all my weight but I have regained about 30 pounds at this point.  Today I realized just how glad I am that I created this blog years ago.  Rereading my post has helped me to see where my focus needs to be once again.  I need to not just take care of those I love but I need to still make me be a priority as well.  Today was a good first day. Despite making cookies for my daughter’s birthday celebration tomorrow I didn’t eat any today.  I had fairly low carbs and focused on protein.  I went for a bike ride and went further than I have ever gone before (15.5 miles). So for today I am proud of myself. I pray for the resolve to make better choices each day to get back to where I can feel proud of myself once again.

Changes

Well the start of 2018 has been a rough one.  I grew up 550 miles from where I have lived the last 22 years and my mom was still living in the same house I grew up in all alone.  I got a call on New Years Day from my Uncle saying that they were taking my mom to the hospital.  Come to find out she had contracted the flu and was so weak she could not walk.  After spending a few days in the hospital she was transferred to an Orthopedic Rehab facility where she spent six weeks.  In that time frame I made the trip there and back 5 separate times.  During those trips it was decided that my mom would finally give in and come move into my home when she got released from the rehab center.  That day finally came last week and with much help from family, friends, and the workers at the airports I got her home.

To say this has been a hard start to the New Year is an understatement.  The excessive amount of travelling combined with the worry about my mom's well being could have been a disastrous combination for my eating habits and my weight.  In the last few years since surgery my eyes have been opened to the fact that I really was more of a stress eater then I had ever realized.  For the most part I have done well and I have not caved into the desire to just eat my weight in chocolate.  I have not been perfect through this though.  Saturday was just our 3rd day home and as with anything a new living arrangement is going to take some adjusting.  Epically when I have become the main caregiver to someone with very limited mobility issues (all while being a single mom and working full time still).  Saturday was not one of my better days.  It was a non-stop day filled with running errands, caring for my mom, trying to make sure my kids are taken care of and then last of all having a moment or two for me in there.  By the time it was almost 9 o'clock I realized that all I had eaten that day was two brownies and a bowl of popcorn.  Not the smartest move on my part but a real eye opener non-the-less.  After I realized that I had done that and it was too late to eat any real food for the day I made sure to make the conscious decision to not let that happen again. If I don't at least take the time to make sure that I have having proper nutrition then my body will eventually start to fail and I will be no good to anyone else. Through all of this I haven't let myself stress eat too much and I have thankfully maintained my weight.  I have to do my best to still be the best I can be to take care of all around me and take care of myself as well.

End of 2017

Well here we are coming up on the end of 2017. It seems like time just flies by. This year has been good though for the most part. For the first time in my life my weight has maintained steady and I can wear the same clothes that I was wearing last year without out growing them. My weight loss is still a daily choice that I have to make and I suspect it will probably be like that forever. Every day I have to make the choice to log in my food into my tracker app (I have over 800 consecutive days at this point) and to choose to limit carb intake and to exercise. If I don't make those choices it would be easy to start to regain weight and I don't want to let that happen.

2018 is around the corner and I am hopeful the new year will bring good things. I am hopeful for some advancement in my career and would like to think about the possibility of dating. I feel like a different person in so many ways from who I was a few years ago. I am a bit more outgoing and I have been reaching out more and trying to make more friends. While I still have areas that I want to improve I feel that I have gained a lot more confidence then I've ever had before. I am not as afraid to let loose a bit and be silly at times. I am slowly discovering that I am a good person that is worthy of love and respect and that I am worth the effort of maintaining health and wellbeing.