Surgery and beyond

I know it has been a while since I made a post but I wanted to take the time after surgery to come down off of the emotional roller coaster that the surgery puts you through before I made a new post and sounded crazy during that emotional time. 

The day of surgery I was a nervous wreck.  I had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am and so off I went before the sun came up.  When I am super stressed out about things it is really weird but its like I dis-associate myself with what is going on and its almost like I am going through the motions but not really there.  I know that sounds bizarre probably but it is the only way I know how to describe my state of mind when I am in a high stress event.  I think that is the only way I have been able to keep my cool and survive through some terrible things in my life.  But anyway, back to the surgery day.  I was in that going through the motions state of mind and doing the check in paperwork and I was just totally exhausted both physically and mentally.  Don't get me wrong, I was not doubting the surgeon or having the surgery but I was in this kinda dark depressed state of why did I let myself get to the point of needing surgery to try to resolve my weight issues.  So they take me up to the pre-op area.  Then the pain management team comes in the room and ask if I want this other type of pain prevention that was like having an epidural in my abdomen.  It was truly bizarre but it must have worked because my pain was minimal.  Next thing the surgeon comes in to make sure that I am good and off I go to the operating room.  The whole time I am in there watching this whirlwind of people doing various tasks in my mind all I can think is ok, am I really doing this, this is it last chance to chicken out and keep living the same way I have been.  Then the guy puts the mask over my face and the next thing I remember was sorta waking up in the operating room while the crew of people were flying around the room cleaning up from the surgery and putting me back on the regular hospital bed to transfer me to recovery.  For the next few hours I was in and out of consciousness in the recovery room.  I remember saying pain, pain, it hurts and then the nurse giving me a bite of applesauce with medicine crushed up in it.  By the time I got to my room I was pretty lucid and I was not feeling bad at all.  The only issue that I had during my hospital stay was that the night nurse was not very attentive at all and so the whole time in the hospital I only got to get up and walk once around the hallways because I had to have someone with me and I was there alone.

So far recovery had not been bad, I am just about one month and one week out from surgery at this point.  The worst part about it all has been that first week or so when I felt very alone and I was sore and smelling the food that my family was having for dinner and feeling almost exiled from family dinner because I could not eat yet was rough.  But now I can say that it was only for a little while and now I have gotten exactly what I needed from the surgery.  I have physical restriction that only allows me to eat a little tiny bit at a time and it helps me to not eat the junk because not only do I know that eating junk food can be a slippery slope but it really makes me sick at my stomach if I even think about eating anything that is not lean and healthy.  I am feeling good, still a bit tired easy but that is to be expected for the first 6 to 8 weeks.  Oh, and I have lost 29.5 pounds since my preop visit.  For the first time in my life I feel like I will be able to get to my goal weight and maintain.  I pray for the best.