Who am I

So in the online forum that I am part of another member presented the question the other day of ,"who will you be once you lose the weight".  This has gotten me thinking. Who am I and who will I be when I finish this journey? I mean who have I been up to now? I am a child of God, a mother, a sister, a friend...etc. but while those things help describe me who am I really? For many years I feel that I was defined by the fact that I was a single mom who was putting herself through college while working and taking care of my children. I finished college and so I have had to work on finding myself again. But by the time I needed to figure out who I was, I was so overweight and depressed that all I did was exist and not live. I went through the motions and that was it for a long time. Despite everything as I now am losing a great deal of weight I am finding that I am an engertic person who still does everything for her family but finally realizes that I am worth the effort to get healthy. I am finding that as I lose weight I am more outgoing and I am fun and funny. I still have a ways to go but though this I am discovering that I am worthy of love and friendship and that I may just like myself.

Internal Integrity

So I was watching the new show on A&E called Fit to Fat to Fit.  It is about these trainers who gain around 60 pounds to experience what it is like to be heavy and lose the weight with their client. The trainer on the episode I was watching said that he wanted to see his client show that he had internal integrity to keep the commitment to get himself healthy.  

The statement of internal integrity really hit home with me.  One thing I have always had a bit of pride in is that people refer to me as a person of high integrity. When I say I am going to do something I do my best to keep that word no matter what.  However, how good have I been at keeping my word to myself over the years? How many times over the years have I said I will start watching what I eat on Monday, only to see Monday come and go with no changes made?  When I had surgery a few months ago it was to help me keep control over my portions but now that I am healed up it does not control what I put in my mouth. That is all up to me.  I have to be the one to keep the promise to myself that surgery or not I have to eat right and exercise to maintain my health.  Looking at it in the terms of internal integrity really opened my eyes to the fact that if I don't make the proper choices I truly am lying to myself and there is nothing I can't stand more then lying.

Changes

I look in the mirror and most of the time I don't see any change. Physically I feel better, my back doesn't hurt, my knees don't grind all the time, the planter factious in my feet is gone, and my IBS issues are all but gone. However I still feel like the same 376 lb person I was a few years ago. I look at myself and see the same rolls, I try on boots and still can't zip them over my huge calves. I am so conflicted over how I view myself because even though I don't see the changes in my reflection my clothes are now literally falling off of me. This week I have had to break down and go shopping only to discover I am now wearing a size 20 in jeans!! I have not worn a size 20 since probably 9th or 10th grade. I am truly amazed.