7 months

I wanted to post a few days ago but have not had the time to until now.  I reached 7 months out from surgery last week.  I have lost 110 pounds and about 5 pant sizes.  Physically I feel great, I have this new found energy that I don't remember ever having before, not even when I was a teenager.  I am close to reaching the infamous "onederland" that all obese people long to get to.  Another ten pounds and I will be there!  I have not been under 200 pounds since I was in middle school I believe.  It almost seems kind of unreal still that I have lost this much weight.  I still don't see myself as smaller even though I feel the effects of the weight loss and can see the evidence in the smaller size clothing.  I guess that is something that I will just have to deal with.

I read a quote the other day that said, "I didn't hate myself for being fat, I was fat because I hated myself".  For me while that quote did hit home to a certain extent, it got me thinking: why did I let myself get so far gone?  As I was reflecting on the choices I made over the years I do think that there was a time that I did hate myself and the contributed a lot to my weight and the I don't care attitude when it came to food.  After I was in an abusive relationship and I took my kids and left, I can remember thinking well I am on my own again with 3 kids I don't ever want a relationship again so what's the point in worrying about how I eat?  At that time I can remember days when I would take a huge family size can of cheese curls to bed with me and eat nearly the whole thing while watching TV before going to sleep because I just didn't care.  I do think that self hate was a bit of the problem then, I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything really.

Through this process so far I have come to realize that I am worth it.  I am worth the effort to take care of myself and be the healthy person I am meant to be.  I have also realized that health does not come with a particular number assigned to it.  Yes, I do have a goal weight in mind that I would like to reach but if I end up at a different weight when all is said and done its not going to be the end of the world because my ultimate goal has already been achieved.  My ultimate goal was to be healthy and I am, all my labs and blood work are now in perfect numbers, my blood pressure is no longer borderline high, and my cholesterol is back in the healthy range.