Fear

Ok so as I obcess over every aspect of this procedure and all things associated with getting this done I have found that the only real fear about it I have are two vanity issues. Is that crazy or does that make me sound horrible? I'm not scared of the surgery or changing my eating habits and all of that. I look forward to that. My fear is that when I lose half my current body weight that 1) I'm gonna lose hair which will leave me very self conscious and 2) that I'm gonna look like a overstretched deflated balloon when I'm done and be all saggy loose skin. I have already been trying to take things like Biotein for hair, skin, and nails. I have also been using a firming lotion at least a few times a day to help with the toning of skin. But I was watching one of the tv weight loss shows last night and the woman had similar stats to me when she started losing. She did not have surgery to lose weight but did tons of exercise and nutrition over a year and got down to my dream weight of about 145lbs. Toward the end of the show they take her to a plastic surgeon to see if she qualifies for skin removal surgery. Of course she did but when she took off her top for the exam her tummy and thighs looked so bad due to all the extra stretched out skin. Don't get me wrong, this lady did an amazing job and she was beautiful but all that saggy skin was rough looking.  I know that I will have no way to do plastic surgery to take care of that if it happens when I'm done. I honestly don't know that I'd want more surgery even if I had the money. Uh....off to research more ways to prevent saggy skin. 

A Letter To Me

So when I went for the first visit to the Dr the other day they suggested that I write a letter to myself so that in a year I can look back at this part of my life and really see who I was, where I was and why I wanted to do this.  So, here it goes.

Dear Me In A Year From Now;

As you read this there are a few things that I'd like you to remember.  These things might help you keep in mind why you embarked on such a journey.  At this moment I am considered to be morbidly obese and I am at such a risk for weight related illness down the road.  At this moment I am scared, scared for what my future will look like if I don't do this.  I am soon to be 37 years old and I don't want to end up with heart disease or high blood pressure or diabetes like so many in my family.  I have been asked the "what if's" about the things that could possible go wrong with having this surgery and my thought and response is to look at the "what if's" if I don't have this surgery.  Do I want to risk dying at 54 like daddy?  Do I want to risk being on disability at a young age and spending my life in my chair by the TV like mama because I can no longer barely walk?  No, I don't.  I am young enough to get out and enjoy my life and not be so tired that I have no desire to go out and do anything.  I will only be like 43 when all my kids are technically grown and I want to live.  I want to go to the amusement parks with no fear of being too fat for the rides or too worn down from carrying the weight to even be able to walk through the park.  I want to live the life that God intended for me to live.  Not live a life in fear.  I am sure that this journey will have good days and bad days just like anything in life will have but I am sure that the good will ultimately outweigh the bad.  I want to be the ultimate example to my kids that you don't have to give up on your dreams.  I want to be an example to others that even what seems to be impossible can be possible. But most of all I just want to have a full happy and healthy life with those I love and not be a prisoner in my own skin.

Today was the day

Ok so today was the day I went to meet with the surgeon for the first time and I met with the dietitian, nurse, insurance specialist and finally the surgeon. They were all super nice and the dr said I am the perfect candidate for the sleeve surgery. He asked what my goal from this was and I told him that I would be happy to just finally be under 200 lbs, I don't care if the scale says 199.9 I'd be happy. He chuckled and said based off my numbers and age etc that his goal for me will be about 170 give or take a pound and that he sees no reason I wouldn't be able to get there!! I know it's hard work and going to still be a long road but for the first time in my life I feel like there's hope of me reaching a more normal size and weight. In talking with the insurance specialist I also found out that I will have no cost out of pocket because I've already met my out of pocket max for the year!!! This is such a miracle. They also said there should be no problem in making sure I get done this year and possibly in the next few months. I have no other words at the moment but just to say thank God for letting this fall into place!! 

So I'm back already

Ok so in the last post I said I'd blog more after going for the consult with the surgeon next week but here I am back already. I feel like a woman kinda obsessed and definitely on a mission. I for the last few weeks have found myself obsessing daily about the possibility of the surgery and what this can mean for my life and the life of my family. I will be able to be a more active part of my kids activities and adventures. 

I had my kids young and so even though I'm in my 30s my 3 kids will all be grown legal adults by the time I am 42. I want to be able to ride roller coaster rides with them and build crazy castles in the sand with them before it's too late. My oldest is 17 and I have promised her for years a trip to Cedar Point but have been to scared to go for fear that I won't be able to fit in the rides. There is so much life out there to live and I want to live it before it's gone. 

Taking the first steps

So a bit about me.  I am a 36 year old mom of 3 who has literally spent my entire adult life taking care of everyone else and not so much taking care of myself. That is how I got to be 376 pounds at my highest weight.  Yep, that's right I was really that big.  The funny thing is I never really realized I was at that point until I saw a picture of myself one day and didn't see me anymore I saw this very large stranger.  

Finally I joined a gym and started to watch what I eat a bit more.  I was doing well and some weight started to come off.  I lost about 80 pounds and then had some health issues hit.  Nothing too major but enough to stop me from going to the gym for a while.  The pain issue I was dealing with was so bad that I couldn't even walk through the grocery store much less work out without being in excruciating pain.  So some of the weight crept back on, about 30 pounds worth.  

After much soul searching and many years of research I have come to the point where I am ready to do something more serious and permanent to get this under control.  I have made the decision to get the gastric sleeve done. Of all the weight loss surgeries this is the safest and the one that will help control the uncontrollable hunger I seem to have all the time.  

So, this is my sleeve story. I will keep posting as I go through the process in hopes of staying accountable and hopefully one day being an inspiration to someone else.  I go for my first appointment with the surgeon in a week so I will post more then.