For the first time ever....

So yesterday was Christmas.  Every year my sister has the family over and makes a huge wonderful dinner filled with many delicious dishes. Each year I always have the intention of being good and not overdoing it but I normally still eat too much and then go home and lay around in front of the tv feeling like a slug. Well this year was different for me. I went and while I did allow myself a little bit of carbs I still made sure to watch what I was eating, which after the sleeve is just a bite of this or that, and I did allow myself just one of the tiny mini cheesecakes that are barely bigger then a quarter. However even though everything smelled so good and I would of loved to go back for more and more food all day I did not and for the first time in my life when I got home instead of feeling lethargic due to being overfull I was energetic. I walked in the door filled the dishwasher, ran laundry, and then worked out for a while. I kinda amazed myself that I was so energetic enough that I wanted to exercise. It was a real NSV for sure and made me feel a bit proud of myself. 

Silent Victory

So today I hit a big milestone. From my all time heavy weight I have lost 100 pounds today. That is huge both literally and figuratively. That is a combo of 43 pounds since surgery and the rest before surgery that I had lost on my own. But for me it's a silent victory because is that something I really want to proclaim to the world? Hey look at me and congratulate me on the fact that I got so huge I need to still lose another 120 pounds on top of the 100 I've lost as of today? Just having a moment and being real. 

A sweet NSV

So I had my first real non scale victory this morning and I don't want to forget it. I got dressed and was able to wear a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to fit into for some time now. So I finish dressing and ask my 15 yr old daughter if I looked ok. She teared up and couldn't stop smiling and told me how good I looked and how proud of me she is and gave me a big hug. It was really a great feeling and has made me smile all day. Sometimes it's just the little things that mean so much. 

Surgery and beyond

I know it has been a while since I made a post but I wanted to take the time after surgery to come down off of the emotional roller coaster that the surgery puts you through before I made a new post and sounded crazy during that emotional time. 

The day of surgery I was a nervous wreck.  I had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am and so off I went before the sun came up.  When I am super stressed out about things it is really weird but its like I dis-associate myself with what is going on and its almost like I am going through the motions but not really there.  I know that sounds bizarre probably but it is the only way I know how to describe my state of mind when I am in a high stress event.  I think that is the only way I have been able to keep my cool and survive through some terrible things in my life.  But anyway, back to the surgery day.  I was in that going through the motions state of mind and doing the check in paperwork and I was just totally exhausted both physically and mentally.  Don't get me wrong, I was not doubting the surgeon or having the surgery but I was in this kinda dark depressed state of why did I let myself get to the point of needing surgery to try to resolve my weight issues.  So they take me up to the pre-op area.  Then the pain management team comes in the room and ask if I want this other type of pain prevention that was like having an epidural in my abdomen.  It was truly bizarre but it must have worked because my pain was minimal.  Next thing the surgeon comes in to make sure that I am good and off I go to the operating room.  The whole time I am in there watching this whirlwind of people doing various tasks in my mind all I can think is ok, am I really doing this, this is it last chance to chicken out and keep living the same way I have been.  Then the guy puts the mask over my face and the next thing I remember was sorta waking up in the operating room while the crew of people were flying around the room cleaning up from the surgery and putting me back on the regular hospital bed to transfer me to recovery.  For the next few hours I was in and out of consciousness in the recovery room.  I remember saying pain, pain, it hurts and then the nurse giving me a bite of applesauce with medicine crushed up in it.  By the time I got to my room I was pretty lucid and I was not feeling bad at all.  The only issue that I had during my hospital stay was that the night nurse was not very attentive at all and so the whole time in the hospital I only got to get up and walk once around the hallways because I had to have someone with me and I was there alone.

So far recovery had not been bad, I am just about one month and one week out from surgery at this point.  The worst part about it all has been that first week or so when I felt very alone and I was sore and smelling the food that my family was having for dinner and feeling almost exiled from family dinner because I could not eat yet was rough.  But now I can say that it was only for a little while and now I have gotten exactly what I needed from the surgery.  I have physical restriction that only allows me to eat a little tiny bit at a time and it helps me to not eat the junk because not only do I know that eating junk food can be a slippery slope but it really makes me sick at my stomach if I even think about eating anything that is not lean and healthy.  I am feeling good, still a bit tired easy but that is to be expected for the first 6 to 8 weeks.  Oh, and I have lost 29.5 pounds since my preop visit.  For the first time in my life I feel like I will be able to get to my goal weight and maintain.  I pray for the best.

Pre-op and stress

The pre-op appointment went well. It was the usual stuff talking about what to expect at the hospital and what to bring etc. Then I met with the surgeon and he reassured me that he was confident that all will go well. That was pretty basic, what I was not expecting was the emotional roller coaster that I have been on now that I am just two weeks away from surgery. I am good with the surgery itself but my emotions are nuts because I am just so stinking mad at me for needing surgery to get to a healthy weight. Why can't I just eat less and be ok on my own? Why did I let myself get so far gone? It would be easy to blame the eating habits that I grew up with but as an adult I have not done much to improve it. I still find myself eating just simply too much and not feeling when I should stop.  That's why this surgery is so important to me so that I will feel when I need to stop and have the restriction that I need to get in control finally.  I pray that I am one of the ones who has the strong restriction.

Freaking out

So yesterday I got the call with the date for the surgery and it's in just over two weeks!! My preop appointment is tomorrow!!  This is really real now and while I'm excited I'm kinda freaking out at the same time. Truth be told I'm scared. Not so much about the surgery itself but about the fact that my whole life is about to change. I have tried to lose weight so many times, what if I fail yet again? The thought of that is terrifying to me. I feel like I can't stop thinking about the surgery. I feel like no matter what is going on in my life at the moment I have this big cloud floating above my head that says SURGERY and so it's always hanging over my head. It's not a bad thing it just is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go for all the preop and will update more then. 

Approved!!!

I got the call yesterday and my insurance approved me!!!!! Super excited right now and feel totally blessed. This process normally takes at least six months to get to the approval stage and mine was less then two full months. I went for the first dr appointment on July 9th and was approved on September 3rd. Now of course it would have taken longer but I had already been working on weight loss with WW and so my primary doctor used that time toward my six month required weight loss program. Now I'm just waiting to schedule my pre-op appointment and the surgery!!!