Size 14!!!

This weekend was Mother's Day and I was given a gift card for Burks Outlet. They have this one particular brand of jeans there that I love and while I was looking around I saw that they had one pair left in a size 14. So I thought well I'll go ahead and buy them and put them up because I hope to wear them down the road sometime. Well who would have thought but I got them home and for the heck of it tried them on and they fit great!!! I could not believe it. It just amazes me all the time the changes in my size. I am so grateful. 

7 months

I wanted to post a few days ago but have not had the time to until now.  I reached 7 months out from surgery last week.  I have lost 110 pounds and about 5 pant sizes.  Physically I feel great, I have this new found energy that I don't remember ever having before, not even when I was a teenager.  I am close to reaching the infamous "onederland" that all obese people long to get to.  Another ten pounds and I will be there!  I have not been under 200 pounds since I was in middle school I believe.  It almost seems kind of unreal still that I have lost this much weight.  I still don't see myself as smaller even though I feel the effects of the weight loss and can see the evidence in the smaller size clothing.  I guess that is something that I will just have to deal with.

I read a quote the other day that said, "I didn't hate myself for being fat, I was fat because I hated myself".  For me while that quote did hit home to a certain extent, it got me thinking: why did I let myself get so far gone?  As I was reflecting on the choices I made over the years I do think that there was a time that I did hate myself and the contributed a lot to my weight and the I don't care attitude when it came to food.  After I was in an abusive relationship and I took my kids and left, I can remember thinking well I am on my own again with 3 kids I don't ever want a relationship again so what's the point in worrying about how I eat?  At that time I can remember days when I would take a huge family size can of cheese curls to bed with me and eat nearly the whole thing while watching TV before going to sleep because I just didn't care.  I do think that self hate was a bit of the problem then, I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything really.

Through this process so far I have come to realize that I am worth it.  I am worth the effort to take care of myself and be the healthy person I am meant to be.  I have also realized that health does not come with a particular number assigned to it.  Yes, I do have a goal weight in mind that I would like to reach but if I end up at a different weight when all is said and done its not going to be the end of the world because my ultimate goal has already been achieved.  My ultimate goal was to be healthy and I am, all my labs and blood work are now in perfect numbers, my blood pressure is no longer borderline high, and my cholesterol is back in the healthy range.

Six months already

So this week I hit six months out from surgery. With that I have reached a loss of right at 100 pounds! Never in my life would I have thought I'd lose that much weight in just six months. I went for my check in with the surgeons office and they couldn't be happier with my progress. The said I am doing as well as the bypass patients do! I have lost 45% of my excess weight already. The only thing they want me to work on is getting some more water daily which I've been working on anyway. I have to go back for a check up in three months and I realized that I will be under two hundred pounds at that point, I will find myself in the coveted onderland! I have not been under two hundred pounds since I was in middle school. It is unreal to me to think I will be there soon. Well here are some progress pictures. The first is 11 days preop and the second is at the six month mark. 

Going home

I grew up 550 miles from where I currently live. After I first moved away I would go home a few times a year to visit and see my mom and my friends. Over the years life just got in the way of being able to go home as much as I'd like to. As I gained weight I was more and more embarrassed to see anyone when I did make the trip back home and so when I would have the chance to go I would only visit with my mom. I was too ashamed of how I looked to face my friends. Now don't get me wrong, my friends are great and they wouldn't have given my weight or appearance a second thought, but I didn't know how to deal with how I felt about myself. 

In the last few years my job situation has changed and I get quite a bit of PTO now and so I am more able to start going home for visits more regularly. In a few weeks I will be heading home and I am making plans to see some of my closest friends while I am there. This will be the first time in years to see some of them. I am excited to see them and be proud of the progress I have made. I will be proud to be there in a size 16/18 which is smaller then I was when I graduated high school. While my size has never mattered to my friends I look forward to seeing their responses. 

Who am I

So in the online forum that I am part of another member presented the question the other day of ,"who will you be once you lose the weight".  This has gotten me thinking. Who am I and who will I be when I finish this journey? I mean who have I been up to now? I am a child of God, a mother, a sister, a friend...etc. but while those things help describe me who am I really? For many years I feel that I was defined by the fact that I was a single mom who was putting herself through college while working and taking care of my children. I finished college and so I have had to work on finding myself again. But by the time I needed to figure out who I was, I was so overweight and depressed that all I did was exist and not live. I went through the motions and that was it for a long time. Despite everything as I now am losing a great deal of weight I am finding that I am an engertic person who still does everything for her family but finally realizes that I am worth the effort to get healthy. I am finding that as I lose weight I am more outgoing and I am fun and funny. I still have a ways to go but though this I am discovering that I am worthy of love and friendship and that I may just like myself.

Internal Integrity

So I was watching the new show on A&E called Fit to Fat to Fit.  It is about these trainers who gain around 60 pounds to experience what it is like to be heavy and lose the weight with their client. The trainer on the episode I was watching said that he wanted to see his client show that he had internal integrity to keep the commitment to get himself healthy.  

The statement of internal integrity really hit home with me.  One thing I have always had a bit of pride in is that people refer to me as a person of high integrity. When I say I am going to do something I do my best to keep that word no matter what.  However, how good have I been at keeping my word to myself over the years? How many times over the years have I said I will start watching what I eat on Monday, only to see Monday come and go with no changes made?  When I had surgery a few months ago it was to help me keep control over my portions but now that I am healed up it does not control what I put in my mouth. That is all up to me.  I have to be the one to keep the promise to myself that surgery or not I have to eat right and exercise to maintain my health.  Looking at it in the terms of internal integrity really opened my eyes to the fact that if I don't make the proper choices I truly am lying to myself and there is nothing I can't stand more then lying.

Changes

I look in the mirror and most of the time I don't see any change. Physically I feel better, my back doesn't hurt, my knees don't grind all the time, the planter factious in my feet is gone, and my IBS issues are all but gone. However I still feel like the same 376 lb person I was a few years ago. I look at myself and see the same rolls, I try on boots and still can't zip them over my huge calves. I am so conflicted over how I view myself because even though I don't see the changes in my reflection my clothes are now literally falling off of me. This week I have had to break down and go shopping only to discover I am now wearing a size 20 in jeans!! I have not worn a size 20 since probably 9th or 10th grade. I am truly amazed.