Weight loss, COVID, and a Stall....Oh My!

     Haven’t posted since December, I don’t really know that anyone even ever reads this blog.  I guess it is just for me more than anything anyway.  It was one way that I was trying to keep myself accountable when I started all of this 5&1/2 years ago.  

    So for the good I hit 25 pounds lost from where I had gotten back up to an embarrassing 205 pounds.  Being 205 in and of itself is not a horrible thing considering where I started out at.  For me though I was one that said I would not have any regain and I would never let it start to spiral and get out of control.  But that sadly was exactly what I ended up doing.  So, I have gotten back down to 180.  I still need to get back down to 160 so I have a bit to go still.  I need to make sure that I don’t forget how hard this has been.  I need to remember how I have felt about myself for the regain that occurred.  

    For the not so good, I ended up with COVID in January.  Not only did I have it but so did my husband.  We thankfully were not super bad with the flu like parts of it.  For my husband he was no worse than a bad head cold. For me it was more like a bad sinus infection.  But with me I ended up with the severe fatigue.  There was one day that I had ran the dishwasher then put clean sheets on the bed and it made me so tired that all I could do was lay across the bed for a bit after the sheets where on.  The COVID sinus infection feeling only lasted for a few days.  However the fatigue has carried on and on.  We are now at the end of February and I still feel like I need a nap in the afternoon just to get by some days.  It has improved a bit but still not where I should be.

    The stall.  I don’t know if it was a result of the COVID fatigue or what but I hit a stall.  A stall that don’t want to end.  I believe that part of it may be due to the fatigue and it was making me where I just didn’t have the energy to exercise.  Part of it too may be that I did eat some comfort foods while I was sick because I just didn’t have the energy to really put in the effort to cook much. I am trying to stay on track now and I have been hitting the treadmill again.  I have found online virtual races and I am thinking that I may do some of those to help keep me motivated.

Little Victories

    Well so I have been on this medicine for a few weeks now and it has helped me regain control.  I don’t feel like this hunger that I get is overwhelming anymore and I can keep a grip on my cravings and all.  I have lost 17 pounds and am starting to notice the difference in my clothes again.  I have missed seeing the scale go down, it was devastating to see it go up and up and up the last year.  I have come to realize that when I was in the losing phase it was almost addictive to see that number get lower and lower.  I am thrilled that I have started to lose again and I still have a good ways to go before I get back to where I want to be.  I am trying hard to re-find some balance in all of this.  To know that it is ok if I have a small treat here or there but that it don’t need to lead me back into eating junk every single day.  It don’t need to lead me back to a place of emotional eating when I am stressed out over the chaos that seems to surround my life at every turn these days.  I know that 2020 has been hard for everyone with this crazy pandemic that has swept the world.  But within my close friends and family I don’t know of one household that has not been hit with several additional major life altering stressors that have happened.  From death’s to sickness (besides COVID), to devastating emotional issues....it just goes on and on.

    I took the advise of the several doctors and all that I work with and started to see a counselor/therapist to talk through some things.  I guess you know it is pretty bad when you talk to the therapist about it all and her only response is to say, “Hearing all that makes me tired, I don’t know what advise I can give to you”.  What are you suppose to do with that when the professional doesn’t even know what to say about all the issues you have to work on and take care of?  I reckon I will do what I have always done and just keep hanging on and doing what I have to do to take care of my family.

    I know I put the title of Little Victories on this post and that last paragraph don’t seem too victorious.  So here they are, the fact that I am finding a way to lose this regained weight is one, that my clothes are fitting better is two, and a big one is the fact that I am able to cope with all this garbage that life has thrown my way and still somehow manage to keep moving forward.  

5 years

 Time seems to go so very fast.  It has already been a bit more than 5 years now since my surgery.  A lot, and boy do I mean a lot has happened in these 5 years.  Major changes within the family, marriage, cancer with my husband, the loss of a family member, various sicknesses, my mother becoming bed ridden, just so many things.  I feel like I have lived a lifetime in just a few short years.  But through it all even though there were a lot of changes and stressful situations there have been many, many good times as well.  Many times filled with love and laughter and peace and just goodness.  

As far as my surgery and weight loss goes I went for my 5 year check up in the end of September.  My weight was still up a bit and when I expressed my concern the surgeons office suggested a few things.  First she wanted me to go to my PCP and get my thyroid checked out to make sure there was no issue there.  Secondly she wanted me to talk to the medical weight loss side.  Third of all she suggested again that perhaps I see a therapist to help talk about all the things that have happened over the last few years.  I went to my PCP and the thyroid tests were ran and that was all normal which is a good thing.  So next I set up and went to the Medical weight loss doctor.  She was very kind and gave me hope.  See, over the last several months I have been exercising and doing what I can to control my eating but I have had this at times overwhelming hunger hit me that almost feels like more than I can control and it has been hard.  She asked me about that and she reassured me that basically it is not my fault.  There has been lots more research going on and they are learning more and more that genetics plays a large roll in weight control issues.  Due to my family history of major obesity she said that my genetics play a large part of that almost uncontrollable urge to eat and that my body is starting to fight because it remembers being heavy my whole life and so it is trying to fight against the weight loss.  She gave me a medicine to try that helps to get that hunger under control and calm the cravings.  I have only been on it a week but I have lost 5 pounds so far.  I am so hopeful that this is going to help me get these few pounds back off and get back to my goal weight.  I have also made an appointment with the therapist that works with the weight loss program and so I know that piece of the puzzle is going to only help me that much more to get the emotional side of things worked out.  I am thankful and hopeful tonight.

People often ask that if after these 5 years if I still am glad I did the surgery and I can say without any doubt that it is still the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Waiting for the woosh.....

So as mentioned last time I have had a little regain. I am not happy about it at all.  This week I have been working really hard and have cut a ton of carbs and sugar and been riding my bike a lot.  My husband has been working to drop a few pounds too.  This week while I have worked hard I have lost 2 pounds while he has lost like 10 (don’t get me wrong, he has worked too) but still!!! In the weight loss forums they always talk about how with many people they will work on losing and have little to no weight loss then it hits in a sudden woosh and drop several pounds in a week.   So here I sit mad with myself for not loosing more and waiting and hoping and praying for the woosh to come. 😒

Reality check

I realized today that it has been over two years since I have done a post. The last post I made was after I got my mom moved in with me and I had just become her caregiver.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  In the last two years I have gotten married to a wonderful man and my grown daughter moved in with my mom to help take care of her. We have lived a lot of life in the time we have been married. We have gone through him having cancer, thank GOD it was resolved with surgery and he is good and healthy now.  We have gone through the loss of family members, and many other things.  Through all we have gone through I have fallen back into a roll of putting myself last and not making my weight loss as much of a priority as it needs to be.  During the several stays at the hospital I lived on crackers and brownies.  Through the loss of a family member I found myself turning to food. I have gained weight.  More than I want to admit.  I have been fooling myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad but it is.  It is a very slippery slope falling back into weight gain and binge eating and eating when faced with emotional issues.

I went back today and reread through all my previous posts.  The posts from when I started this weight loss path.  The posts where I was so excited to see the weight falling off.  Now I feel daily like a failure.  I haven’t regained all my weight or even close to all my weight but I have regained about 30 pounds at this point.  Today I realized just how glad I am that I created this blog years ago.  Rereading my post has helped me to see where my focus needs to be once again.  I need to not just take care of those I love but I need to still make me be a priority as well.  Today was a good first day. Despite making cookies for my daughter’s birthday celebration tomorrow I didn’t eat any today.  I had fairly low carbs and focused on protein.  I went for a bike ride and went further than I have ever gone before (15.5 miles). So for today I am proud of myself. I pray for the resolve to make better choices each day to get back to where I can feel proud of myself once again.

Changes

Well the start of 2018 has been a rough one.  I grew up 550 miles from where I have lived the last 22 years and my mom was still living in the same house I grew up in all alone.  I got a call on New Years Day from my Uncle saying that they were taking my mom to the hospital.  Come to find out she had contracted the flu and was so weak she could not walk.  After spending a few days in the hospital she was transferred to an Orthopedic Rehab facility where she spent six weeks.  In that time frame I made the trip there and back 5 separate times.  During those trips it was decided that my mom would finally give in and come move into my home when she got released from the rehab center.  That day finally came last week and with much help from family, friends, and the workers at the airports I got her home.

To say this has been a hard start to the New Year is an understatement.  The excessive amount of travelling combined with the worry about my mom's well being could have been a disastrous combination for my eating habits and my weight.  In the last few years since surgery my eyes have been opened to the fact that I really was more of a stress eater then I had ever realized.  For the most part I have done well and I have not caved into the desire to just eat my weight in chocolate.  I have not been perfect through this though.  Saturday was just our 3rd day home and as with anything a new living arrangement is going to take some adjusting.  Epically when I have become the main caregiver to someone with very limited mobility issues (all while being a single mom and working full time still).  Saturday was not one of my better days.  It was a non-stop day filled with running errands, caring for my mom, trying to make sure my kids are taken care of and then last of all having a moment or two for me in there.  By the time it was almost 9 o'clock I realized that all I had eaten that day was two brownies and a bowl of popcorn.  Not the smartest move on my part but a real eye opener non-the-less.  After I realized that I had done that and it was too late to eat any real food for the day I made sure to make the conscious decision to not let that happen again. If I don't at least take the time to make sure that I have having proper nutrition then my body will eventually start to fail and I will be no good to anyone else. Through all of this I haven't let myself stress eat too much and I have thankfully maintained my weight.  I have to do my best to still be the best I can be to take care of all around me and take care of myself as well.

End of 2017

Well here we are coming up on the end of 2017. It seems like time just flies by. This year has been good though for the most part. For the first time in my life my weight has maintained steady and I can wear the same clothes that I was wearing last year without out growing them. My weight loss is still a daily choice that I have to make and I suspect it will probably be like that forever. Every day I have to make the choice to log in my food into my tracker app (I have over 800 consecutive days at this point) and to choose to limit carb intake and to exercise. If I don't make those choices it would be easy to start to regain weight and I don't want to let that happen.

2018 is around the corner and I am hopeful the new year will bring good things. I am hopeful for some advancement in my career and would like to think about the possibility of dating. I feel like a different person in so many ways from who I was a few years ago. I am a bit more outgoing and I have been reaching out more and trying to make more friends. While I still have areas that I want to improve I feel that I have gained a lot more confidence then I've ever had before. I am not as afraid to let loose a bit and be silly at times. I am slowly discovering that I am a good person that is worthy of love and respect and that I am worth the effort of maintaining health and wellbeing.

Two Years

Two years ago today I had my surgery and changed my life.  In this time I have gone from being well over 300 pounds to now being in the normal category's for everything and my weight stays between 155 & 160 pending on the day.  I have found that a 5 pound bounce range is normal for most people. My surgeons ultimate end goal for me was to hopefully reach 170lbs and so since I have surpassed that they are very happy with me and say that I am a major success story.  I have lost almost 100% of my excess weight.

The last two years have had their ups and downs, good days and bad but in the end I wouldn't change what I did.  I have been able to go from watching life on the sidelines to actively taking part in life with my kids.    I have been able to do things that I never thought I would be able to do again like when I went roller skating for the first time in 20 years.  I still have a few things that I struggle with.  I still have days where I want to eat junk and so I let myself have a little bit of something here or there.  For me I cannot live a life of total depravation or else it will catch up with me and I will lose control.  I have to live where I am good 95% of the time and have a treat once in a while.  The thing is though I have learned how to be ok with an occasional treat and let that be enough instead of eating till I feel sick just because something tastes good or sounds good to me.  My biggest struggle is still with how I see myself.  As I have mentioned before when I look at pictures I can see the difference in me but when I look down at myself I see the saggy skin that still looks like rolls of fat to me.  When I see that I still feel like I did at 300+ pounds even though part of my brain knows better.

None the less, this last two years has flown by and I will be forever grateful that God allowed me to be able to have this surgery to help me get myself in check.  The health benefits that I have experienced far outweigh the fear I had going into surgery and the bit of pain through recovery.  Without a doubt this was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

A Great Day

When I was a teenager even though I was very heavy there were still things I loved to do like bike riding and roller skating.  Roller skating epically was a favorite activity of mine and I would skate outside through the neighborhood as well as go to the skating rink with friends quite often.  I was the kid who could skate forward and backward and do some small tricks.  When I turned 18 I moved from my home in Michigan to the south by myself and so I had to go to work and I got very involved in church work down here and didn't have time to go skating anymore.  Not long after I moved I ended up married and had children and started gaining major weight.  As my weight got up into the three hundreds I never even thought anymore about going skating or doing anything sporty like that because I knew that physically I couldn't handle it.  I also felt embarrassed to even think about trying to do anything like that and honestly scared that if I tried and fell that I would seriously hurt myself.

This past weekend was the day to finally let go of that fear.  I took my son and nephews and headed off to the skating rink for the first time in about 20 years!  Going in I was so scared that I was literally shaking so hard that it took a minute to get everyone's skates laced up.  Everyone was ready to skate and as I stood up on my skates all I could do was pray that I didn't fall or get hurt.  But then as I stepped into the rink it all came back to me.  I was out there skating away and I let go of all those fears and worries and just truly enjoyed myself.  I felt like a kid again as I flew round the rink.  We skated for almost two hours and I truly feel as though I could have stayed another two hours.  By the time we were done I was a little sore from using different muscles that I have not used in a long time but the feeling of freedom that I now have in my life is amazing to me.  All the little things that I took for granted for so long when I was younger I now have back and can experience again.  Just that appreciation for the little things like getting to go skating with my kids is a gift in itself.  I am eternally grateful for getting to live life more fully once again.

600 days

So today marks 600 days in a row that I have logged every bite that goes into my mouth on my fitness tracker app.  I am not totally sure as to why but this has felt like such a milestone for me to hit 600 days in a row.  I am sure that there are many people out there who have logged for years and years without missing a day and so they have numbers in the thousands but to me this 600 mark is a big deal.  I think that part of it is because I have never committed to keeping on track and losing weight like I have this time. 

Of course the surgery is a huge factor in that but despite the surgery this process still takes a lot of commitment.  They say a lot in the online forums that when they do surgery it is on your stomach and not your head.  This statement seems like silly common sense when you look at the literal side of it but after having the surgery this statement takes on real meaning.  You come to realize that the surgery, while it helps so very much, only does limit the volume you can eat at one time not what you eat or how often you eat junk.  For many people, like myself, after a while the hunger comes back and even though you are not physically able to eat as much at one time you still have to learn to get yourself in control so that you don't graze all day long.  There are so many people out there who have had the various weight loss procedures and they end up gaining all the weight back and then some because they lose the battle with their mind.  They let the mind games win because they have lost so much weight in the beginning that they think they will never gain the weight back but then a year down the road and they are back to where they started because they justify eating candy or chips or whatever their vice is here and there all day long and so while they may not be eating a whole bag of chips in one setting they are still eating that whole bag of chips over a few hours. It is easy to justify a little here or there and then fall into that pit of eating junk all the time.

That is what is scary to me.  The idea of the possibility of falling back into that cycle of eating junk then justifying it then living with the guilt of it then falling back into those old patterns more and more and gaining back a lot of weight.  This is why I feel that my 600 day mark on my fitness tracker is such a huge deal to me.  My sister made a statement to me in our conversation the other day about how she knows that I religiously track every bite that goes into my mouth and she was saying how that is something to be proud of.  I have to agree because with tracking literally everything that goes into my mouth I am holding myself accountable so that I can identify if I start to fall back into old habits and I can see trends of how what I eat impacts my weight.  I am not perfect and I have treats here and there but I strive to eat right at least 90% of the time, but the point is that even when I have that treat I log it in and make myself acknowledge it. When dealing with food addiction it truly can be a life long battle but it is a battle I intend on being victorious through.

Mowing the yard

Ok so this is a blog about my weight loss so what in the world am I naming a post "Mowing the yard" for? Now that spring is upon us again it was time for me to put on my big girl pants and work out taking care of my yard myself. I know if I asked either my brother in law or my neighbor I am sure they would take care of the yard for me again but it was time to figure it out myself. I have a push mower in my shed so today was the day to pull it out and get to work. I have honestly been dreading this. The last time I have even tried to mow was when I first bought my house like 9 years ago. At that time I had bought a plug in electric mower and I mowed half the yard and gave up and hired someone to cut it. So today as I pulled out the gas push mower and started it up.

As I worked my way back and forth through the yard I soon realized that I could do this. I realized that physically I now had the strength and endurance to mow the yard and not feel like I was dying and not feel like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. Now my lines in the grass may not be perfect or straight even and it may not have been the best job in the world but I did it. I mowed the entire yard without stopping and without even being in pain from my back or knees. I will say I'm not looking forward to mowing when the heat of the summer kicks in but I know that I will be able to handle it and get it done. This is not something I could have even done 216 pounds ago. I may not be thrilled to mow my yard but I'm so thankful to have a yard to mow and the ability to mow it. 

Vacation Victory

This past week my kids were on spring break and I had saved back a little money to take them on a small vacation to the mountains. In times past when we would go I would keep up with my family but it was a struggle and I would have to have lots of breaks to sit down and rest. I also had so many issues with IBSD that I was miserable and very often in a great deal of pain and sickness that would cause me to miss out on fun and activities with my kids. 

This trip was the first time in my life I have ever gone as an "average" size person. Due to not carrying around all the extra weight I had a ton more energy. We walked and walked and walked all day every day. Everywhere in the mountains also has tons of stairs and I had no problems keeping up with the physical demands of the trip. There were some days that my tracker counted between 11 & 15 flights of stairs! It was amazing when my two teenage kids were wore out and I was still ready to keep going. This, I believe, has been one of the very best non-scale victories yet.  I look forward to having many more adventures that I am able to fully enjoy. 

Just Life

Well, I haven't posted in a bit, guess I haven't had a whole lot to say lately.  Life has just kind of become the monotony of the everyday lately.  Weight wise things are alright.  I still have this last 10-15 pounds that I want to lose but they seem to want to hang on for dear life.  I have always heard the last few pounds are the hardest to lose and that is holding true for me.  I won't give up though because I want to reach my goals. 

As time goes on I have found that there are some cravings that have been trying to kick back in.  I have never really been much of a stress eater over the years but the last few months have been somewhat of a struggle to not fall into that category.  I have been dealing with some behavior issues with one of my children and other stresses with my grown child that would all make it very easy to seek out comfort in carbs and chocolate and all those oh so good tasting bad for you foods.  That is why they are called comfort foods after all.  However, I have been trying very hard to keep myself focused on the positives in my life because honestly there are many, many things to be so very grateful for.  Some things at work came across my desk in the last few weeks that really made me see that even with all I have had to deal with things could always be so much harder.  I have to remind myself that the attitude that we face each day with is a choice that we have to consciously make each and every day.

Have I lost enough?

So today was my 15 month check up with the surgeons office.  I actually hit the 15 month mark a few weeks ago but this was when it worked out for me to go due to some things at work.  Anyway the whole point of me going today was because my doctor wanted to check in with me to make sure that things were going ok and that I was doing well still.  See, last time I was there 3 months ago I was fighting off depression. Through Christmas and New Year's I let myself slide just a bit because through the holidays my goal was to maintain as oppose to continue losing this year.

Today's visit started off like every other visit where the tech takes you back and does all the normal vital checks and takes my weight and all of that fun stuff.  Which I was very happy to say that I have lost 17 pounds since I was there last time.  Then I go back to the room for the check in with the Doctor.  This lady is really wonderful and caring with me.  When I see her it is more like a visit with a friend and I almost feel like I should hug her when its time to leave.  So we go over my numbers and I am pleased to say that she feels like I am at goal weight and should be done losing weight.  I told her that I would like to lose about 10 or maybe 15 more pounds and she said it would be ok for me to do so but to just be cautious if I do so that I don't look too thin.  I am proud to say that I am officially in all the normal ranges for weight, blood pressure and body fat percentages for my height and age.  At my last visit my body fat percentage was right there at the highest tip end of the normal but that has dropped a few points now and so I am really "in" the normal range now.  This is truly exciting to me.  We talked about some options for the loose skin and I hope to be able to take care of that some day.  She thinks I have about 10 pounds of extra skin at the moment.  I don't know what I will do with myself when I finish losing.  LOL, that is a problem I have never in my life thought I would face but it is one that I welcome.

Looking back with a new perspective

Tomorrow marks 15 months since I had surgery. My life has changed so much during this time. Not only in the physical but in every area of my life. I have energy now to do things and I have found that I often have a hard time just sitting around the house any more. 

My two youngest kids and I have made a trip back home to visit my mom this week and the difficulty in just sitting around has become more apparent then ever. This is my second trip home since surgery. The first was back in April and during that trip there were plans to meet with old friends and things to do each day. This trip was more to focus on having some time with my mom and one of my very best friends in the world. In past trips before losing the weight I would be ok with just coming here to sit around and watch tv and eat. That is what we did when I would come home, the entire trip would be planned around hitting all my old favorite places to get pizza, slushies, and ice cream. It's really no wonder I was as heavy as I was when my adolescent years were focused around food and eating out. 

This time I have been eating only when hungry and went to the store to bring in things like Greek yogurt and light cheese and things that I can feel good about eating. Due to mobility issues with my mom we still have been primarily hanging around her house. The sitting has been making me a bit crazy but at least I know my food choices have been better and I have had the energy to do things to take care of my mom while I am here.

While I love my mom and I am grateful to have the ability to spend time here I am looking forward to being back home where I have my treadmill and other exercise equipment. In the beginning of this journey I truly hated exercise. I had gotten to where I was having a hard time even doing a few minutes on the treadmill at a zero incline. I now miss it when I can't get to it. My mom had asked me why would I still exercise when I have lost so much weight. This was so eye opening to me because that is how my attitude toward exercise used to be, why bother if you don't have to. The changes in my life and attitude continue to amaze me. 

"Normal".....who me?

Ok, so let me start off by first saying that I am not one of those folks who live and die by the BMI Chart.  I for one feel that it is not a really accurate reflection of ones health or what and I tend to rely more on body fat percentage as a measure of where I am and where I should be. 

However, with that being said this week my scale has read 150 pounds even for a few days now.  Out of curiosity I plugged my stats into a BMI Calculator and the result was 24.9 which puts me into the "Normal" range and out of the overweight category!  I have never in my entire life not been considered either overweight or obese.  Just to give a little perspective when I was at my heaviest recorded weight my BMI was 63 and I was considered morbidly obese. 

I am very close to reaching my ultimate goal weight and so that will bring a whole new set of issues with it.  I am going to have to learn how to maintain my weight.  I have never done that before.  My entire life has been either not caring what I weighed or working to lose weight.  Learning to stay steady will be a new lesson to learn.  I do believe that I will be able to handle it though.  I have developed many good habits that are just my normal now in how I deal with food and portions and choices that I make.

Size what!?!?

So I have been wearing around a size ten jeans for a little bit now and I have found this one particular style of dress pants that I really like the cut on. While I was out today I thought I would go ahead and get a pair in a size 8 to put up in hopes of wearing them at some point.  For the heck of it when I got home I tried them on and they fit! I have never in my life put on anything that was a single digit size.  It is very surreal for me to think that I can wear these.  

My life has been turned upside down the last few months and it has been hard to keep trying to focus on getting to my goal.  This accomplishment today has refuled my resolve to keep working and finish this marathon to get to where I want to be and reach my goal weight.

Here are my biggest pants compared to my new pants!

The one year check up

A few days after my one year anniversary of surgery I had my check in with the surgeons office. They had me do a swallow study to check on the reflux I was having and they said the reflux was still pretty prevalent so I have to stay on the reflux meds a while longer.  Not a huge deal in my opinion. 

I see the nurse practitioner when I go for my check ups. She was so happy with the amount of weight I have lost. According to the numbers the top range of a healthy percent of body fat is 33% and I have reached just that. She said that with sleeve surgery people generally expect to lose 60-70% of their excess body weight and I have lost 72% of my excess weight so far so at this point they consider me a success. It was good to know that I am doing well according to what the doctors have to say. 

A Year Already

Today marks my one year anniversary from having the gastric sleeve done.   I can truly say that it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.  In this year I have lost 157 pounds and now wear a size 10/12.  That just blows my mind when I think about it because I don't know that I have ever worn such a small size.  Even when I was in middle school I was wearing a 16 or 18 in clothes and I was in a 24 by the time I graduated high school.

This year has brought many good things and bad things in my life that are not related to the weight loss journey however they are things that could have totally blown me off course if I had let them.  My oldest daughter who is 18 got married.  This is a good thing, her husband is very sweet and a good guy that makes her very happy.  But, none the less my baby turned 18, graduated high school, moved out, and got married all in the month of June.  This was stressful to say the least but I had the energy and ability to deal with it all.  I am currently going through a very unexpected divorce and this has just about done me in emotionally.  And I am dealing with an aging parent who is 550 miles away and on the verge of being homebound with very little local help and she refuses to move here where all of her family is.

All of these stressors in my life could easily have sent me sailing back to a life of depression and bad habits.  Now, I will say I have not handled everything perfectly but I have done much better then I ever have before and through it all I have still managed to pretty steadily continue to lose weight and keep on the path that I set out for myself and so for that I am proud and count my one year anniversary as a success!

My stats are as follows:

Heaviest weight ever was 376 wearing a 28 pants and 30/32 top

Weight on 9/28/2015 was 319 wearing a 26 pants and 26/28 top

Weight as of today 9/28/2016 is 162 wearing a 10 pants and a large top!!

200 Pounds Gone

Yesterday morning I got up and did my normal routine of going to the bathroom, getting undressed, then getting on the scale.  Low and behold it read 176 lbs!  This means that I have lost 200 pounds from my all time heaviest weight of 376.  That is so insane to me.  I think back and often wonder how I let myself get to that point but I realize that it didn't happen overnight.  It was sneaky and it would be a splurge here and some cookie dough there and little by little I would gain a pound this week and maybe 5 pounds the next month until I was heavier then most professional football players.  I never felt like I was that big. 

I talk about the whole body dysmorphia thing now where I don't see myself for the most part as someone who is about a size 12 now and I still look at myself and see what looks to me like rolls but in reality it is all the stretched out skin left over from the damage I have done to my body.  But I can now say that looking back at the person I was at my heaviest weight, I had what I think of as the other end of the spectrum of the body dysmorphia.  Even though I was wearing like a 30 - 32 in tops and a 28 or so in pants I didn't feel like I was that big so for many years I didn't see any problem in my weight.  I didn't have any real health issues for many years and when I would have a hard time fitting into a theater seat I would just ignore the pain I felt.  I am so thankful that as I have gotten older I have come to realize that I am worth the effort of losing the weight so that I don't have to feel that pain again.  I am worth the effort of waking up every morning and stepping on that scale to keep myself accountable.  I am worth being healthy not just for my kids but for me so that I can do the things in life that I desire to do.