For the first time ever....

So yesterday was Christmas.  Every year my sister has the family over and makes a huge wonderful dinner filled with many delicious dishes. Each year I always have the intention of being good and not overdoing it but I normally still eat too much and then go home and lay around in front of the tv feeling like a slug. Well this year was different for me. I went and while I did allow myself a little bit of carbs I still made sure to watch what I was eating, which after the sleeve is just a bite of this or that, and I did allow myself just one of the tiny mini cheesecakes that are barely bigger then a quarter. However even though everything smelled so good and I would of loved to go back for more and more food all day I did not and for the first time in my life when I got home instead of feeling lethargic due to being overfull I was energetic. I walked in the door filled the dishwasher, ran laundry, and then worked out for a while. I kinda amazed myself that I was so energetic enough that I wanted to exercise. It was a real NSV for sure and made me feel a bit proud of myself. 

Silent Victory

So today I hit a big milestone. From my all time heavy weight I have lost 100 pounds today. That is huge both literally and figuratively. That is a combo of 43 pounds since surgery and the rest before surgery that I had lost on my own. But for me it's a silent victory because is that something I really want to proclaim to the world? Hey look at me and congratulate me on the fact that I got so huge I need to still lose another 120 pounds on top of the 100 I've lost as of today? Just having a moment and being real. 

A sweet NSV

So I had my first real non scale victory this morning and I don't want to forget it. I got dressed and was able to wear a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to fit into for some time now. So I finish dressing and ask my 15 yr old daughter if I looked ok. She teared up and couldn't stop smiling and told me how good I looked and how proud of me she is and gave me a big hug. It was really a great feeling and has made me smile all day. Sometimes it's just the little things that mean so much. 

Surgery and beyond

I know it has been a while since I made a post but I wanted to take the time after surgery to come down off of the emotional roller coaster that the surgery puts you through before I made a new post and sounded crazy during that emotional time. 

The day of surgery I was a nervous wreck.  I had to be at the hospital by 5:30 am and so off I went before the sun came up.  When I am super stressed out about things it is really weird but its like I dis-associate myself with what is going on and its almost like I am going through the motions but not really there.  I know that sounds bizarre probably but it is the only way I know how to describe my state of mind when I am in a high stress event.  I think that is the only way I have been able to keep my cool and survive through some terrible things in my life.  But anyway, back to the surgery day.  I was in that going through the motions state of mind and doing the check in paperwork and I was just totally exhausted both physically and mentally.  Don't get me wrong, I was not doubting the surgeon or having the surgery but I was in this kinda dark depressed state of why did I let myself get to the point of needing surgery to try to resolve my weight issues.  So they take me up to the pre-op area.  Then the pain management team comes in the room and ask if I want this other type of pain prevention that was like having an epidural in my abdomen.  It was truly bizarre but it must have worked because my pain was minimal.  Next thing the surgeon comes in to make sure that I am good and off I go to the operating room.  The whole time I am in there watching this whirlwind of people doing various tasks in my mind all I can think is ok, am I really doing this, this is it last chance to chicken out and keep living the same way I have been.  Then the guy puts the mask over my face and the next thing I remember was sorta waking up in the operating room while the crew of people were flying around the room cleaning up from the surgery and putting me back on the regular hospital bed to transfer me to recovery.  For the next few hours I was in and out of consciousness in the recovery room.  I remember saying pain, pain, it hurts and then the nurse giving me a bite of applesauce with medicine crushed up in it.  By the time I got to my room I was pretty lucid and I was not feeling bad at all.  The only issue that I had during my hospital stay was that the night nurse was not very attentive at all and so the whole time in the hospital I only got to get up and walk once around the hallways because I had to have someone with me and I was there alone.

So far recovery had not been bad, I am just about one month and one week out from surgery at this point.  The worst part about it all has been that first week or so when I felt very alone and I was sore and smelling the food that my family was having for dinner and feeling almost exiled from family dinner because I could not eat yet was rough.  But now I can say that it was only for a little while and now I have gotten exactly what I needed from the surgery.  I have physical restriction that only allows me to eat a little tiny bit at a time and it helps me to not eat the junk because not only do I know that eating junk food can be a slippery slope but it really makes me sick at my stomach if I even think about eating anything that is not lean and healthy.  I am feeling good, still a bit tired easy but that is to be expected for the first 6 to 8 weeks.  Oh, and I have lost 29.5 pounds since my preop visit.  For the first time in my life I feel like I will be able to get to my goal weight and maintain.  I pray for the best.

Pre-op and stress

The pre-op appointment went well. It was the usual stuff talking about what to expect at the hospital and what to bring etc. Then I met with the surgeon and he reassured me that he was confident that all will go well. That was pretty basic, what I was not expecting was the emotional roller coaster that I have been on now that I am just two weeks away from surgery. I am good with the surgery itself but my emotions are nuts because I am just so stinking mad at me for needing surgery to get to a healthy weight. Why can't I just eat less and be ok on my own? Why did I let myself get so far gone? It would be easy to blame the eating habits that I grew up with but as an adult I have not done much to improve it. I still find myself eating just simply too much and not feeling when I should stop.  That's why this surgery is so important to me so that I will feel when I need to stop and have the restriction that I need to get in control finally.  I pray that I am one of the ones who has the strong restriction.

Freaking out

So yesterday I got the call with the date for the surgery and it's in just over two weeks!! My preop appointment is tomorrow!!  This is really real now and while I'm excited I'm kinda freaking out at the same time. Truth be told I'm scared. Not so much about the surgery itself but about the fact that my whole life is about to change. I have tried to lose weight so many times, what if I fail yet again? The thought of that is terrifying to me. I feel like I can't stop thinking about the surgery. I feel like no matter what is going on in my life at the moment I have this big cloud floating above my head that says SURGERY and so it's always hanging over my head. It's not a bad thing it just is overwhelming. Tomorrow I will go for all the preop and will update more then. 

Approved!!!

I got the call yesterday and my insurance approved me!!!!! Super excited right now and feel totally blessed. This process normally takes at least six months to get to the approval stage and mine was less then two full months. I went for the first dr appointment on July 9th and was approved on September 3rd. Now of course it would have taken longer but I had already been working on weight loss with WW and so my primary doctor used that time toward my six month required weight loss program. Now I'm just waiting to schedule my pre-op appointment and the surgery!!!

Almost there

Well so last week I went for my visit with the nutritionist, the required support group meeting, and my psyc evaluation and they all went well. My day started with checking in with the insurance specialist to make sure that she had everything needed so far and she was happy that I was so organized with all my paperwork. She told me that after my appointments that day were in the system that I only needed to see my PCP one more time and then we can submit for insurance approval. So after talking with her I met with the nutritionist and it ended up being more of just chatting about things because I already know the nutrition requirements and how to track and everything. Next I was on to the support group and it was led by a few folks that ranged from 8-14 months out from surgery. They all had great stories and let us on the pre-op side ask any questions. It was inspiring because one of the ladies started at my same stats and now is a very healthy size 4. Last of all I went for my psyc evaluation and talked with the psychologist for about an hour and during the visit she told me that my surgeon had put in my file that "the patient is highly intelligent, very well prepared and organized and a perfect candidate for surgery". She said that she's never seen one of the surgeons put something like that in a patients file. At the end she said she was glad to reccomend me for surgery. So now I am almost there and it seems a bit surreal. If all goes well I could be looking at having my sleeve done by end of September!  

Fear

Ok so as I obcess over every aspect of this procedure and all things associated with getting this done I have found that the only real fear about it I have are two vanity issues. Is that crazy or does that make me sound horrible? I'm not scared of the surgery or changing my eating habits and all of that. I look forward to that. My fear is that when I lose half my current body weight that 1) I'm gonna lose hair which will leave me very self conscious and 2) that I'm gonna look like a overstretched deflated balloon when I'm done and be all saggy loose skin. I have already been trying to take things like Biotein for hair, skin, and nails. I have also been using a firming lotion at least a few times a day to help with the toning of skin. But I was watching one of the tv weight loss shows last night and the woman had similar stats to me when she started losing. She did not have surgery to lose weight but did tons of exercise and nutrition over a year and got down to my dream weight of about 145lbs. Toward the end of the show they take her to a plastic surgeon to see if she qualifies for skin removal surgery. Of course she did but when she took off her top for the exam her tummy and thighs looked so bad due to all the extra stretched out skin. Don't get me wrong, this lady did an amazing job and she was beautiful but all that saggy skin was rough looking.  I know that I will have no way to do plastic surgery to take care of that if it happens when I'm done. I honestly don't know that I'd want more surgery even if I had the money. Uh....off to research more ways to prevent saggy skin. 

A Letter To Me

So when I went for the first visit to the Dr the other day they suggested that I write a letter to myself so that in a year I can look back at this part of my life and really see who I was, where I was and why I wanted to do this.  So, here it goes.

Dear Me In A Year From Now;

As you read this there are a few things that I'd like you to remember.  These things might help you keep in mind why you embarked on such a journey.  At this moment I am considered to be morbidly obese and I am at such a risk for weight related illness down the road.  At this moment I am scared, scared for what my future will look like if I don't do this.  I am soon to be 37 years old and I don't want to end up with heart disease or high blood pressure or diabetes like so many in my family.  I have been asked the "what if's" about the things that could possible go wrong with having this surgery and my thought and response is to look at the "what if's" if I don't have this surgery.  Do I want to risk dying at 54 like daddy?  Do I want to risk being on disability at a young age and spending my life in my chair by the TV like mama because I can no longer barely walk?  No, I don't.  I am young enough to get out and enjoy my life and not be so tired that I have no desire to go out and do anything.  I will only be like 43 when all my kids are technically grown and I want to live.  I want to go to the amusement parks with no fear of being too fat for the rides or too worn down from carrying the weight to even be able to walk through the park.  I want to live the life that God intended for me to live.  Not live a life in fear.  I am sure that this journey will have good days and bad days just like anything in life will have but I am sure that the good will ultimately outweigh the bad.  I want to be the ultimate example to my kids that you don't have to give up on your dreams.  I want to be an example to others that even what seems to be impossible can be possible. But most of all I just want to have a full happy and healthy life with those I love and not be a prisoner in my own skin.

Today was the day

Ok so today was the day I went to meet with the surgeon for the first time and I met with the dietitian, nurse, insurance specialist and finally the surgeon. They were all super nice and the dr said I am the perfect candidate for the sleeve surgery. He asked what my goal from this was and I told him that I would be happy to just finally be under 200 lbs, I don't care if the scale says 199.9 I'd be happy. He chuckled and said based off my numbers and age etc that his goal for me will be about 170 give or take a pound and that he sees no reason I wouldn't be able to get there!! I know it's hard work and going to still be a long road but for the first time in my life I feel like there's hope of me reaching a more normal size and weight. In talking with the insurance specialist I also found out that I will have no cost out of pocket because I've already met my out of pocket max for the year!!! This is such a miracle. They also said there should be no problem in making sure I get done this year and possibly in the next few months. I have no other words at the moment but just to say thank God for letting this fall into place!! 

So I'm back already

Ok so in the last post I said I'd blog more after going for the consult with the surgeon next week but here I am back already. I feel like a woman kinda obsessed and definitely on a mission. I for the last few weeks have found myself obsessing daily about the possibility of the surgery and what this can mean for my life and the life of my family. I will be able to be a more active part of my kids activities and adventures. 

I had my kids young and so even though I'm in my 30s my 3 kids will all be grown legal adults by the time I am 42. I want to be able to ride roller coaster rides with them and build crazy castles in the sand with them before it's too late. My oldest is 17 and I have promised her for years a trip to Cedar Point but have been to scared to go for fear that I won't be able to fit in the rides. There is so much life out there to live and I want to live it before it's gone. 

Taking the first steps

So a bit about me.  I am a 36 year old mom of 3 who has literally spent my entire adult life taking care of everyone else and not so much taking care of myself. That is how I got to be 376 pounds at my highest weight.  Yep, that's right I was really that big.  The funny thing is I never really realized I was at that point until I saw a picture of myself one day and didn't see me anymore I saw this very large stranger.  

Finally I joined a gym and started to watch what I eat a bit more.  I was doing well and some weight started to come off.  I lost about 80 pounds and then had some health issues hit.  Nothing too major but enough to stop me from going to the gym for a while.  The pain issue I was dealing with was so bad that I couldn't even walk through the grocery store much less work out without being in excruciating pain.  So some of the weight crept back on, about 30 pounds worth.  

After much soul searching and many years of research I have come to the point where I am ready to do something more serious and permanent to get this under control.  I have made the decision to get the gastric sleeve done. Of all the weight loss surgeries this is the safest and the one that will help control the uncontrollable hunger I seem to have all the time.  

So, this is my sleeve story. I will keep posting as I go through the process in hopes of staying accountable and hopefully one day being an inspiration to someone else.  I go for my first appointment with the surgeon in a week so I will post more then.