Looking back with a new perspective

Tomorrow marks 15 months since I had surgery. My life has changed so much during this time. Not only in the physical but in every area of my life. I have energy now to do things and I have found that I often have a hard time just sitting around the house any more. 

My two youngest kids and I have made a trip back home to visit my mom this week and the difficulty in just sitting around has become more apparent then ever. This is my second trip home since surgery. The first was back in April and during that trip there were plans to meet with old friends and things to do each day. This trip was more to focus on having some time with my mom and one of my very best friends in the world. In past trips before losing the weight I would be ok with just coming here to sit around and watch tv and eat. That is what we did when I would come home, the entire trip would be planned around hitting all my old favorite places to get pizza, slushies, and ice cream. It's really no wonder I was as heavy as I was when my adolescent years were focused around food and eating out. 

This time I have been eating only when hungry and went to the store to bring in things like Greek yogurt and light cheese and things that I can feel good about eating. Due to mobility issues with my mom we still have been primarily hanging around her house. The sitting has been making me a bit crazy but at least I know my food choices have been better and I have had the energy to do things to take care of my mom while I am here.

While I love my mom and I am grateful to have the ability to spend time here I am looking forward to being back home where I have my treadmill and other exercise equipment. In the beginning of this journey I truly hated exercise. I had gotten to where I was having a hard time even doing a few minutes on the treadmill at a zero incline. I now miss it when I can't get to it. My mom had asked me why would I still exercise when I have lost so much weight. This was so eye opening to me because that is how my attitude toward exercise used to be, why bother if you don't have to. The changes in my life and attitude continue to amaze me. 

"Normal".....who me?

Ok, so let me start off by first saying that I am not one of those folks who live and die by the BMI Chart.  I for one feel that it is not a really accurate reflection of ones health or what and I tend to rely more on body fat percentage as a measure of where I am and where I should be. 

However, with that being said this week my scale has read 150 pounds even for a few days now.  Out of curiosity I plugged my stats into a BMI Calculator and the result was 24.9 which puts me into the "Normal" range and out of the overweight category!  I have never in my entire life not been considered either overweight or obese.  Just to give a little perspective when I was at my heaviest recorded weight my BMI was 63 and I was considered morbidly obese. 

I am very close to reaching my ultimate goal weight and so that will bring a whole new set of issues with it.  I am going to have to learn how to maintain my weight.  I have never done that before.  My entire life has been either not caring what I weighed or working to lose weight.  Learning to stay steady will be a new lesson to learn.  I do believe that I will be able to handle it though.  I have developed many good habits that are just my normal now in how I deal with food and portions and choices that I make.

Size what!?!?

So I have been wearing around a size ten jeans for a little bit now and I have found this one particular style of dress pants that I really like the cut on. While I was out today I thought I would go ahead and get a pair in a size 8 to put up in hopes of wearing them at some point.  For the heck of it when I got home I tried them on and they fit! I have never in my life put on anything that was a single digit size.  It is very surreal for me to think that I can wear these.  

My life has been turned upside down the last few months and it has been hard to keep trying to focus on getting to my goal.  This accomplishment today has refuled my resolve to keep working and finish this marathon to get to where I want to be and reach my goal weight.

Here are my biggest pants compared to my new pants!

The one year check up

A few days after my one year anniversary of surgery I had my check in with the surgeons office. They had me do a swallow study to check on the reflux I was having and they said the reflux was still pretty prevalent so I have to stay on the reflux meds a while longer.  Not a huge deal in my opinion. 

I see the nurse practitioner when I go for my check ups. She was so happy with the amount of weight I have lost. According to the numbers the top range of a healthy percent of body fat is 33% and I have reached just that. She said that with sleeve surgery people generally expect to lose 60-70% of their excess body weight and I have lost 72% of my excess weight so far so at this point they consider me a success. It was good to know that I am doing well according to what the doctors have to say. 

A Year Already

Today marks my one year anniversary from having the gastric sleeve done.   I can truly say that it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.  In this year I have lost 157 pounds and now wear a size 10/12.  That just blows my mind when I think about it because I don't know that I have ever worn such a small size.  Even when I was in middle school I was wearing a 16 or 18 in clothes and I was in a 24 by the time I graduated high school.

This year has brought many good things and bad things in my life that are not related to the weight loss journey however they are things that could have totally blown me off course if I had let them.  My oldest daughter who is 18 got married.  This is a good thing, her husband is very sweet and a good guy that makes her very happy.  But, none the less my baby turned 18, graduated high school, moved out, and got married all in the month of June.  This was stressful to say the least but I had the energy and ability to deal with it all.  I am currently going through a very unexpected divorce and this has just about done me in emotionally.  And I am dealing with an aging parent who is 550 miles away and on the verge of being homebound with very little local help and she refuses to move here where all of her family is.

All of these stressors in my life could easily have sent me sailing back to a life of depression and bad habits.  Now, I will say I have not handled everything perfectly but I have done much better then I ever have before and through it all I have still managed to pretty steadily continue to lose weight and keep on the path that I set out for myself and so for that I am proud and count my one year anniversary as a success!

My stats are as follows:

Heaviest weight ever was 376 wearing a 28 pants and 30/32 top

Weight on 9/28/2015 was 319 wearing a 26 pants and 26/28 top

Weight as of today 9/28/2016 is 162 wearing a 10 pants and a large top!!

200 Pounds Gone

Yesterday morning I got up and did my normal routine of going to the bathroom, getting undressed, then getting on the scale.  Low and behold it read 176 lbs!  This means that I have lost 200 pounds from my all time heaviest weight of 376.  That is so insane to me.  I think back and often wonder how I let myself get to that point but I realize that it didn't happen overnight.  It was sneaky and it would be a splurge here and some cookie dough there and little by little I would gain a pound this week and maybe 5 pounds the next month until I was heavier then most professional football players.  I never felt like I was that big. 

I talk about the whole body dysmorphia thing now where I don't see myself for the most part as someone who is about a size 12 now and I still look at myself and see what looks to me like rolls but in reality it is all the stretched out skin left over from the damage I have done to my body.  But I can now say that looking back at the person I was at my heaviest weight, I had what I think of as the other end of the spectrum of the body dysmorphia.  Even though I was wearing like a 30 - 32 in tops and a 28 or so in pants I didn't feel like I was that big so for many years I didn't see any problem in my weight.  I didn't have any real health issues for many years and when I would have a hard time fitting into a theater seat I would just ignore the pain I felt.  I am so thankful that as I have gotten older I have come to realize that I am worth the effort of losing the weight so that I don't have to feel that pain again.  I am worth the effort of waking up every morning and stepping on that scale to keep myself accountable.  I am worth being healthy not just for my kids but for me so that I can do the things in life that I desire to do. 

Staying The Course

So my family has gone through a personal crisis over the last few weeks.  I am not going to go into the private details but it is a situation that has put us all in a bad place mentally and emotionally.  I had never thought of myself before surgery as an emotional eater but as I am now working through a major potentially life altering event that impacts everyone in my family I realize just how easy it could be to be an emotional eater.  When this event occurred two weeks ago at first I couldn't even think to eat.  I was so upset I was just sick at my stomach all the time.  After a few days I forced myself to start to eat some because if I don't eat and drink water and stay healthy I will end up making more problems because I will just end up in the hospital dehydrated and that will not help my family in the least.  Then as a few days went by I started to want to eat junk.  I started to think how good that some of the chocolate homemade moose type filling would be that I use when I make cakes.  So I made some.  But here is the thing, even though I did make a bit I only made literally two table spoons worth and that is all I allowed myself to have.  I still counted it in my totals for the day in my food tracking.  And I have still lost a few pounds in the last few weeks.  It has been hard to find the motivation to do much of anything while dealing with this situation but I have to keep reminding myself that through it all God is in control first of all, we will survive no matter what life throws at us secondly, and last of all I am worth the continued effort to get to a healthy weight and be the best I can possibly be for my family.

What they don't tell you.....

When preparing for weight loss surgery I researched and reviewed everything possible.  I knew all of the potential risks and rewards that could come from having most of my stomach cut out of my body.  I heard about the potential for having loose skin after losing significant weight (and believe me there is plenty of that going on right now).  And these were all things that I was prepared for.  I have been exercising and using varying lotions to combat the skin issue so as to try to not look like a deflated balloon even though under any pretty clothes I am all saggy baggy skin but that's ok, the saggy empty skin is healthier then swelled up skin full of excess weight.

What I was not fully and totally prepared for was the mental battle that goes with the weight loss.  I had read about people with body image issues after surgery but I had the thought that it wasn't going to happen to me.  I am a realist and thought I always looked at things the way they really are.  I may have touched on this in a previous post but the mental side of getting my brain to catch up to the image in the mirror is a lot harder then I ever thought it would be.  Physically I feel a world of difference in energy and ability to do physical tasks.  But mentally when I look in the mirror all I still see is the rolls and heavy legs and I still see the same person I was when I was over 300 pounds.  My brain does not know how to see me as I am right now.  When I go shopping I am still buying things that are on average 2 sizes too big for me.  The only time I see the difference is when I look at side by side pictures of where I was to where I am now.  I guess this is just me taking a minute to be real about this journey with the good and some not great aspects of it all.

9 Months

Yesterday was my 9 month check in with the surgeons office.  Normally when I go there everything is great and everyone is super nice.  Well I was feeling so great when I got there and all excited to have my progress officially documented in the chart to show that I am in the 100s and all.  So I get signed in and the tech takes me back to do my vitals and I had never seen this woman before but she was nice enough then we get to the room and she says, So are you pre-op or have you had surgery.   WHAT!!!! It just felt like a slap in the face to be asked that.  I am a decent bit under 200 pounds at this point and wearing a size 14.  Do people think that someone who is a 14 needs to have the surgery starting off at that size because I sure don't unless they have medical reason to.  A 14 is just around the average American woman's size these days.  Yes, I still have about 40ish pounds to reach my personal goal but I am less then 20 from the doctors goal.  It was just totally rude for her to ask that of any of the patients there.  I responded and said that I was there for my 9 month check and have lost about 130lbs already. 

The rest of the visit went really well though.  Both the nutritionist and the doctor were extremely happy with my progress.  They both said that I am still losing at the same rate as the bypass patients.  This makes me super happy because I was initially a bit worried about my rate of loss when I chose to get the sleeve done but I knew I didn't want the bypass even though it is associated with faster higher rates of loss typically. 

None the less despite the rude tech I am extremely happy with my numbers and progress.  I am at 187 pounds and from my all time heaviest weight I have lost a total of 189 which means I am literally half the woman I was a few years ago!!  This excites me a lot when I think about it to just really know how far I have come and how much improved I have made my life.  With many decisions in my life I end up second guessing them and going back and forth on if I made the right decision or not but having this done is truly the best decision I have ever made for myself.  The first week or so I had some major doubts but that is the norm because during that time the body is still de-toxing from all the sugars and carbs and all and almost everyone had a bit of buyers remorse in the first few weeks.  But once  I got past the healing stage and on to a new normal of life and eating I have been just so grateful everyday for this gift.  It is a lot of hard work, but so very worth it.  I exercise on average 6 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour at a time, I alternate days between the treadmill and doing a weight routine.  I use an app on my phone to track every bite that goes in my mouth and I weigh everything that I eat to know that I am getting the right portion.  It is work but worth the effort to live again.

ONEderland at long last!

Yesterday was the day - the big day where I finally can say that my weight now starts with the number 1 and not a 2 or a 3! This is the first time since I was in middle school that my weight has actually started with a number 1. 

The funny thing is that like I see the number but my mind does not want to accept that it is reality.  See, in the past when I have lost weight I would do good for a while and then just never make it past certain points.  Over the last few years I just could not seem to break the 290-300 pound range.  Even when I was in my teenage years and I lost weight coming out of high school I could not break that 200 pound mark.  My lowest weight that I can ever remember being was 202 and that was when I was 18 years old. 

That is until yesterday, yesterday the scale read 199.4 and today it was even a tiny bit lower then that.  I am amazed daily and pray for the strength to keep using the tool that I was blessed with and continue on this journey and reach my goals.

Mindset

I have been thinking a lot about mindset the last few weeks and how that comes into this crazy weight loss ride I am on. For many years I was so tired all the time and in physical pain from the excessive amount of extra weight I carried (I have lost 173 lbs from my heaviest weight).  During all those years of lugging that weight around I just got adjusted to the idea that if I had a lot of things to do on Saturday I'd be too wore out to even go to church on Sunday and in too much pain in my legs and back. I still have weight to lose before I'm done but now my energy level is so much more then it has been in many years and the pain is pretty much all gone as well. Right now I am facing a lot of things over the next month, 3 birthdays, a graduation, and a wedding. Everything but one of the birthdays is for my kids and I am the family cake maker for everything. I love doing all of this but in my mind I keep thinking I don't know how I'm gonna make it and physically do everything that needs to be done. After doing the wedding shower this last week which included all planning, making two large cakes, and decorating then clean up - my younger daughter said well I guess we won't be going to church tomorrow mom you'll be too tired. Sad thing is a year ago that would have been right but now it wasn't right. After the shower I still came home cleaned up a ton of stuff around the house and did a work out. Needless to say we did go to church the next day. I am physically just so different now. I try to keep myself in check and make a new mindset that matches my new lease on life because many of my "I cant's" are now "I can".

WLSFA 2016

This weekend was the Weight Loss Surgery of Americas annual conference and it was in Nashville. I had been looking at going but knew with preparing for my daughters wedding I would not have the extra money for the $150 pass to go. Well the guy that runs the online support group that I take part in ended up having an extra pass and I got to have it! I was so excited to get to attend. It was so great to be in a totally judgment free zone and be surrounded by so many people who have gone through the same things I have. There were some great informational sessions and I got to come home with a ton of free samples of protein bars and shakes and vitamins. As an added bonus I got to meet one of the ladies from 600 pound life. She was so sweet and has done such a great job with losing weight and changing her life. I feel so blessed that I was able to be a part of the conference and for the changes I've been able to make in my life.

Size 14!!!

This weekend was Mother's Day and I was given a gift card for Burks Outlet. They have this one particular brand of jeans there that I love and while I was looking around I saw that they had one pair left in a size 14. So I thought well I'll go ahead and buy them and put them up because I hope to wear them down the road sometime. Well who would have thought but I got them home and for the heck of it tried them on and they fit great!!! I could not believe it. It just amazes me all the time the changes in my size. I am so grateful. 

7 months

I wanted to post a few days ago but have not had the time to until now.  I reached 7 months out from surgery last week.  I have lost 110 pounds and about 5 pant sizes.  Physically I feel great, I have this new found energy that I don't remember ever having before, not even when I was a teenager.  I am close to reaching the infamous "onederland" that all obese people long to get to.  Another ten pounds and I will be there!  I have not been under 200 pounds since I was in middle school I believe.  It almost seems kind of unreal still that I have lost this much weight.  I still don't see myself as smaller even though I feel the effects of the weight loss and can see the evidence in the smaller size clothing.  I guess that is something that I will just have to deal with.

I read a quote the other day that said, "I didn't hate myself for being fat, I was fat because I hated myself".  For me while that quote did hit home to a certain extent, it got me thinking: why did I let myself get so far gone?  As I was reflecting on the choices I made over the years I do think that there was a time that I did hate myself and the contributed a lot to my weight and the I don't care attitude when it came to food.  After I was in an abusive relationship and I took my kids and left, I can remember thinking well I am on my own again with 3 kids I don't ever want a relationship again so what's the point in worrying about how I eat?  At that time I can remember days when I would take a huge family size can of cheese curls to bed with me and eat nearly the whole thing while watching TV before going to sleep because I just didn't care.  I do think that self hate was a bit of the problem then, I didn't feel like I was worthy of anything really.

Through this process so far I have come to realize that I am worth it.  I am worth the effort to take care of myself and be the healthy person I am meant to be.  I have also realized that health does not come with a particular number assigned to it.  Yes, I do have a goal weight in mind that I would like to reach but if I end up at a different weight when all is said and done its not going to be the end of the world because my ultimate goal has already been achieved.  My ultimate goal was to be healthy and I am, all my labs and blood work are now in perfect numbers, my blood pressure is no longer borderline high, and my cholesterol is back in the healthy range.

Six months already

So this week I hit six months out from surgery. With that I have reached a loss of right at 100 pounds! Never in my life would I have thought I'd lose that much weight in just six months. I went for my check in with the surgeons office and they couldn't be happier with my progress. The said I am doing as well as the bypass patients do! I have lost 45% of my excess weight already. The only thing they want me to work on is getting some more water daily which I've been working on anyway. I have to go back for a check up in three months and I realized that I will be under two hundred pounds at that point, I will find myself in the coveted onderland! I have not been under two hundred pounds since I was in middle school. It is unreal to me to think I will be there soon. Well here are some progress pictures. The first is 11 days preop and the second is at the six month mark. 

Going home

I grew up 550 miles from where I currently live. After I first moved away I would go home a few times a year to visit and see my mom and my friends. Over the years life just got in the way of being able to go home as much as I'd like to. As I gained weight I was more and more embarrassed to see anyone when I did make the trip back home and so when I would have the chance to go I would only visit with my mom. I was too ashamed of how I looked to face my friends. Now don't get me wrong, my friends are great and they wouldn't have given my weight or appearance a second thought, but I didn't know how to deal with how I felt about myself. 

In the last few years my job situation has changed and I get quite a bit of PTO now and so I am more able to start going home for visits more regularly. In a few weeks I will be heading home and I am making plans to see some of my closest friends while I am there. This will be the first time in years to see some of them. I am excited to see them and be proud of the progress I have made. I will be proud to be there in a size 16/18 which is smaller then I was when I graduated high school. While my size has never mattered to my friends I look forward to seeing their responses. 

Who am I

So in the online forum that I am part of another member presented the question the other day of ,"who will you be once you lose the weight".  This has gotten me thinking. Who am I and who will I be when I finish this journey? I mean who have I been up to now? I am a child of God, a mother, a sister, a friend...etc. but while those things help describe me who am I really? For many years I feel that I was defined by the fact that I was a single mom who was putting herself through college while working and taking care of my children. I finished college and so I have had to work on finding myself again. But by the time I needed to figure out who I was, I was so overweight and depressed that all I did was exist and not live. I went through the motions and that was it for a long time. Despite everything as I now am losing a great deal of weight I am finding that I am an engertic person who still does everything for her family but finally realizes that I am worth the effort to get healthy. I am finding that as I lose weight I am more outgoing and I am fun and funny. I still have a ways to go but though this I am discovering that I am worthy of love and friendship and that I may just like myself.

Internal Integrity

So I was watching the new show on A&E called Fit to Fat to Fit.  It is about these trainers who gain around 60 pounds to experience what it is like to be heavy and lose the weight with their client. The trainer on the episode I was watching said that he wanted to see his client show that he had internal integrity to keep the commitment to get himself healthy.  

The statement of internal integrity really hit home with me.  One thing I have always had a bit of pride in is that people refer to me as a person of high integrity. When I say I am going to do something I do my best to keep that word no matter what.  However, how good have I been at keeping my word to myself over the years? How many times over the years have I said I will start watching what I eat on Monday, only to see Monday come and go with no changes made?  When I had surgery a few months ago it was to help me keep control over my portions but now that I am healed up it does not control what I put in my mouth. That is all up to me.  I have to be the one to keep the promise to myself that surgery or not I have to eat right and exercise to maintain my health.  Looking at it in the terms of internal integrity really opened my eyes to the fact that if I don't make the proper choices I truly am lying to myself and there is nothing I can't stand more then lying.

Changes

I look in the mirror and most of the time I don't see any change. Physically I feel better, my back doesn't hurt, my knees don't grind all the time, the planter factious in my feet is gone, and my IBS issues are all but gone. However I still feel like the same 376 lb person I was a few years ago. I look at myself and see the same rolls, I try on boots and still can't zip them over my huge calves. I am so conflicted over how I view myself because even though I don't see the changes in my reflection my clothes are now literally falling off of me. This week I have had to break down and go shopping only to discover I am now wearing a size 20 in jeans!! I have not worn a size 20 since probably 9th or 10th grade. I am truly amazed.